I'm going to veer off the adoption topic a little bit and let you get some insight into the mind of a single woman in her mid-thirties. I don't claim to speak for every single woman. I'm sure we all feel differently about birthdays and aging and marriage and kids. I also imagine that some of these feelings apply to women who are struggling with infertility as well. Since I haven't been in that situation, I can only assume.
There are lots of blogs by single, Christian woman about their thoughts and feelings about their "situation." I have no intention of turning this blog into another one of those. (Not bashing them. Some are really good and interesting.) I just have no interest in boring anyone with my lame insights and perspectives. I am, however, going to try to get some of my feelings out about my birthday this year. I have lots of thoughts and feelings about it rolling around in my head. Bear with me as I try to articulate them. (Or, skip this post and come back when I'm posting cute pictures of Sara. I'll never know.)
As a single woman, birthdays can hit really hard. Bottom line: there are only so many child-bearing years available and every birthday means you now have one less year. (Let's not beat around the bush. This is what we're thinking.)
I tend to spend at least a part of every birthday doing some math: If I meet someone this year, we could date for 6 months, get engaged and married next summer. If we wait 6 months and then get pregnant, I'll be ____ years old. If I have a kid every two years, I can have _____ kids before I turn 40. (I can't be the only one that does this! Right?) It used to be date for a year, engaged for a year, wait 2 years for a kid, etc. The older I got, the shorter those time frames got and the fewer kids I was "ok" with having. A certain amount of panic sets in.
Some years, I took birthdays much harder than others. I was ok with turning 30 because I was getting ready to move to Mexico. (I thought that was my new life plan.) I had a hard time with 26. My my mom got married at 26. Growing up, I thought that was SOOO old. I couldn't believe I was 26 with no prospects.
Don't get me wrong. I have enjoyed my single years (when I wasn't counting and panicking). I've lived in Mexico, vacationed, traveled, lots of things that aren't feasible to me any more. I bought my own house and made enough money to be able to take summers off. I was comfortable. Still, I wanted to be a mom.
I thought 35 would be hard. It really hasn't been. It definitely snuck up on me. (I've been a little busy for the last three months!) I've spent a very low key day with MY DAUGHTER! She has made all the difference in my life. I have a new perspective on so many things---including my age. I'm not just living day to day and working and looking forward to my next vacation. I'm not waiting for my life to start when I meet some guy that can give me what I want in life.
Would I still like to get married? Yes. Would I like to have more children? Yes. Would I adopt again? Probably. Even if none of those things happen, I get to spend the rest of my life raising my amazing daughter. Right now, that's enough for me! 35 is going to be great!