Sunday, April 7, 2013

Insights on Turning 35

I'm going to veer off the adoption topic a little bit and let you get some insight into the mind of a single woman in her mid-thirties.  I don't claim to speak for every single woman.  I'm sure we all feel differently about birthdays and aging and marriage and kids.  I also imagine that some of these feelings apply to women who are struggling with infertility as well.  Since I haven't been in that situation, I can only assume.  

There are lots of blogs by single, Christian woman about their thoughts and feelings about their "situation."  I have no intention of turning this blog into another one of those.  (Not bashing them.  Some are really good and interesting.)  I just have no interest in boring anyone with my lame insights and perspectives.  I am, however, going to try to get some of my feelings out about my birthday this year.  I have lots of thoughts and feelings about it rolling around in my head.  Bear with me as I try to articulate them.  (Or, skip this post and come back when I'm posting cute pictures of Sara.  I'll never know.)  

As a single woman, birthdays can hit really hard.  Bottom line:  there are only so many child-bearing years available and every birthday means you now have one less year.  (Let's not beat around the bush.  This is what we're thinking.)  

I tend to spend at least a part of every birthday doing some math:  If I meet someone this year, we could date for 6 months, get engaged and married next summer.  If we wait 6 months and then get pregnant, I'll be ____ years old.  If I have a kid every two years, I can have _____ kids before I turn 40.  (I can't be the only one that does this!  Right?)  It used to be date for a year, engaged for a year, wait 2 years for a kid, etc.  The older I got, the shorter those time frames got and the fewer kids I was "ok" with having.  A certain amount of panic sets in.

Some years, I took birthdays much harder than others.  I was ok with turning 30 because I was getting ready to move to Mexico.  (I thought that was my new life plan.)  I had a hard time with 26.  My my mom got married at 26.  Growing up, I thought that was SOOO old.  I couldn't believe I was 26 with no prospects.

Don't get me wrong.  I have enjoyed my single years (when I wasn't counting and panicking).  I've lived in Mexico, vacationed, traveled, lots of things that aren't feasible to me any more.  I bought my own house and made enough money to be able to take summers off.  I was comfortable.  Still, I wanted to be a mom.

I thought 35 would be hard.  It really hasn't been.  It definitely snuck up on me.  (I've been a little busy for the last three months!)  I've spent a very low key day with MY DAUGHTER!  She has made all the difference in my life.  I have a new perspective on so many things---including my age.  I'm not just living day to day and working and looking forward to my next vacation.  I'm not waiting for my life to start when I meet some guy that can give me what I want in life.

Would I still like to get married?  Yes.  Would I like to have more children?  Yes.  Would I adopt again?  Probably.  Even if none of those things happen, I get to spend the rest of my life raising my amazing daughter.  Right now, that's enough for me!  35 is going to be great!

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