Sunday, July 22, 2012


I have no intention of linking this post on facebook. Only the people that truly follow my blog will ever see this post. BECAUSE....I'm about to pour out my heart. (At the same time, I know this is out there for who ever wants to read it.)

I'm frustrated. For a very long time, I've wanted a husband and a family. I've gone through periods of great frustration that I don't have that in my life. I don't think I've been angry. Just frustrated and heart broken.

I just don't understand why I have that strong desire and yet it just doesn't seem to happen to me. Frankly, I have told God multiple times, in no uncertain terms, how I feel about this situation. (Think what you want of me. I figure he already knows so I can tell him.)

This hasn't been a constant frustration. It has come and gone over the years. I have lived a great life. I've traveled all over--whenever I wanted. I've had great friends and great experiences. I've done a lot of things that I couldn't have if I'd gotten married and had kids right out of college. I know this and I'm so grateful for it. I am so thankful for all the experiences I've had but I'm ready to settle down. I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life.

Sara has been a huge answer to prayer for me. I never thought I'd be a single parent. It's definitely not something I planned. After all, I planned to have a husband! I've learned that my family doesn't have to look it does in my day dreams. It can look like my little angel and I. I really am ok with that!

However, the adoption process has not relieved me of my frustration. You see, I have fallen in love with several kids on Reece's Rainbow. There is one that continues to capture my heart. His file is with the same agency as Sara's. I think he may even be in the same orphanage. He is 15 months old and so desperately needs a family. Imagine how amazing it would be for him to start early intervention so young and experience the love of a family so early in his life!

So, I'm back to my frustration. Frustrated because, if I had a husband, I would bring them both home. No question. Financially, it makes a lot of sense to adopt two at once. Logistically, it makes a lot of sense to only travel to the country once. But, I just don't have a peace about doing it as a single mother. (I know then that a lot of you would be convinced I'd lost my mind!) I just don't think I can handle a full time job, school, a preschooler and a baby.

So, I'm back to if only....

If only I had a husband....


  1. Natalie, God knows what you can handle at this point in your life and I know that he knows what is best for you right now. I'm so proud (and jealous) of where you are in your adopting journey. I might have found the husband, but I wish I was well on my way to bringing home a wonderful child through adoption, but I know we couldn't afford it right now, and nor would it be best for our child as we are still in the process of career and other stressors in life. I can't wait for the day that I can say I am ready to adopt. Sara needs you, and this other little boy, God will take care of in his timing. Advocate for him though, you never know, in your friends or family you may find someone who is encouraged by your journey that it is possible and may start thier own journey because you point out this little boy to them. Praying for you and Sara and your journey.

  2. I know. I wish I could wave my wand and at least know WHEN/if I am going to meet the right guy. Right now I'm too overwhelmed with packing to be bothered, but sometime in the next few months it'll kick in and i'll be annoyed and frustrated.

    HUGS dear. What I've learned from this weekend at the NDSC Convention is that there are a lot of men who love kids with special needs. One camp counselor asked if single men could adopt and I just about proposed to him right there...

    1. I love it Molly! I probably would have proposed too!

  3. You don't know me, but a friend of mine knows about your blog and what you've been trying to do. I've been silently following for a little bit my friend and I tried helping out by auctioning off jewelry from our website NoBeadLeftBehind. I just wanted to not be silent any more and let you know that I'm praying for you and your situation!! God is good, all the time, even when it doesn't feel like it. Thanks for pouring out your heart because you're not alone in how you are feeling. Therefore, this helps many other single women!!! --Amy

  4. Sell your house & move here. We'll fix up the garage & I can babysit when you get a job! I am also frustrated that my two beautiful daughters do not have "the desires of your hearts." Love you, Mom

  5. I have been feeling similar thoughts lately. I hear you. I have finished my education and just so badly desire to get married and adopt. I am hoping to get established in a profession where I can afford to adopt in the nearer future. So for now I am spending lots of time with my little brothers who have DS and praying that God will send me a godly man soon. Saying a prayer for you and what an exciting time for you. Many blessings on you and your beautiful daughter.
    Heather (I found your blog on RR)