I have no intention of linking this post on facebook. Only the people that truly follow my blog will ever see this post. BECAUSE....I'm about to pour out my heart. (At the same time, I know this is out there for who ever wants to read it.)
I'm frustrated. For a very long time, I've wanted a husband and a family. I've gone through periods of great frustration that I don't have that in my life. I don't think I've been angry. Just frustrated and heart broken.
I just don't understand why I have that strong desire and yet it just doesn't seem to happen to me. Frankly, I have told God multiple times, in no uncertain terms, how I feel about this situation. (Think what you want of me. I figure he already knows so I can tell him.)
This hasn't been a constant frustration. It has come and gone over the years. I have lived a great life. I've traveled all over--whenever I wanted. I've had great friends and great experiences. I've done a lot of things that I couldn't have if I'd gotten married and had kids right out of college. I know this and I'm so grateful for it. I am so thankful for all the experiences I've had but I'm ready to settle down. I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life.
Sara has been a huge answer to prayer for me. I never thought I'd be a single parent. It's definitely not something I planned. After all, I planned to have a husband! I've learned that my family doesn't have to look it does in my day dreams. It can look like my little angel and I. I really am ok with that!
However, the adoption process has not relieved me of my frustration. You see, I have fallen in love with several kids on Reece's Rainbow. There is one that continues to capture my heart. His file is with the same agency as Sara's. I think he may even be in the same orphanage. He is 15 months old and so desperately needs a family. Imagine how amazing it would be for him to start early intervention so young and experience the love of a family so early in his life!
So, I'm back to my frustration. Frustrated because, if I had a husband, I would bring them both home. No question. Financially, it makes a lot of sense to adopt two at once. Logistically, it makes a lot of sense to only travel to the country once. But, I just don't have a peace about doing it as a single mother. (I know then that a lot of you would be convinced I'd lost my mind!) I just don't think I can handle a full time job, school, a preschooler and a baby.
So, I'm back to if only....
If only I had a husband....