Sunday, October 13, 2013

Guilt?

I participate in a couple of on-line adoption groups. Sometimes, these groups provide an amazing amount of support. Sometimes, they provide an endless amount of frustration when people say and do things that I just don't agree with. Sometimes, they cause me to stop and think about what I really believe. Today falls under the third category.

Someone is selling t-shirts. She posted a picture with this description:

Wanted: a good home for this tshirt. Must love orphans, and believe every child deserves a mom and dad. Washing said shirt is optional, the love part not so much.

My first thought was to comment that I wouldn't be buying a t-shirt from her since I don't believe that every child deserves a mom and a dad.  (Sometimes, I can be a LITTLE passive-aggressive.)  After all, Sara is thriving and she doesn't have a dad.  Then my train of thought started down a crazy, long, guilt-filled track...

*Do I really believe that Sara doesn't deserve a mom and dad?

*Of course, she deserves it.  Every kid does.

*So, did I do her a disservice by adopting her?  Should I have waited and prayed for a married couple to adopt her?  After all, I was reminded time and time again during the process that a lot of Christian organizations don't believe single women should adopt.  (Most won't say that outright but they will only support married couples.)  

*Maybe she deserves it but doesn't need it.  After all, how many kids really have two loving, committed, involved parents.  Then again, I'm not sure I want my child to turn out like all the other kids these days.

*It's not like there is no chance she'll ever have a father.  Then again, there is a chance she won't.  If I actually met someone worthy of being her dad, I would never tell him that I don't think she deserves a father and a mother.

*She's clearly better off with me than she was in an orphanage.  She's growing, learning and talking like crazy.  But, is better off enough?  Doesn't she deserve the best?  But how do I know that "the best" was going to come along for her?  Certainly better off is better than nothing.

*Well, now I don't know what I think.  And I'm feeling kind of guilty.  After all, she loves men.  Maybe she should have a dad...

*How did I end up here from someone's innocent post about a t-shirt?

*Wait!  I answered this question before on my blog.  What did I say then?
How do you let go of the guilt of knowing your child may never have a father? I wonder if I didn't adopt my yet unknown son would a two parent family come along and adopt him? And then he'd have a daddy.   Of course I haven't given up on marriage at all so that's still a possibility. And obviously a mommy is better than an orphanage or mental institution.  When you see kids with their dads do you feel a little bit sad for Sara? 
That's a pretty loaded and personal question.  I'll probably just scratch the surface of this one.  
Like the questioner, I haven't completely given up on the idea of marriage.  I would love for Sara to have an amazing father.  I would love for her to grow up in a stable, two-parent family.  Isn't that what everyone wants for their child?  Unfortunately, we live in a very imperfect world.  (If it was perfect, we wouldn't need adoption at all.)  A lot of children these days don't grow up in two-parent families.  A lot of children grow up with parents that are uninvolved in their lives.  I agree that a mom is better than an orphanage but I think it's more than that.  Sara may only have one parent but she has one parent that is completely devoted to her.  I'd say that's better than two mediocre parents any day!  
(And, if I'm being completely honest, I hated Father's Day this year.  We got to celebrate with my dad but it did highlight what Sara doesn't have.)  


*Hmmmm...well, whether or not she has a father, I need to feed her dinner.  I guess I'll get off the crazy train now.

Yes.  This is really how my mind works.  It spins and spins and rarely comes up with actual answers.

I guess the bottom line for tonight is that God brought Sara to me.  If you know any of our story, you know that has to be true.  If God wants her to have a father, he'll bring him to us as well.  If not, we'll go on growing and learning and thriving together.

4 comments:

  1. I believe every child deserves love. If that love is in the form of a mom and dad, cool. But it doesn't HAVE to be. It can be in the form of a mom. It can be in the form of a dad. it can be in the form of two moms and two dads. Or it can be in the form of an aunt, uncle, or grandparent who loves that child and promises to care for them for as long as they are alive.

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  2. Ditto what Molly just said... couldn't have said it better! :)

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  3. Don't ever feel guilty. Every child deserves a family. There are plenty of mom and dad families who don't/won't/can't step up to the plate to adopt. She has your undivided love, attention and support. I wouldn't worry or care about what anyone else thinks.

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