One of my biggest internal struggles since being home is how much of our story to reveal to strangers and new people in our lives. It's rare that we actually meet people who don't know anything about our story. (Even the eye doctor knew who we were before we got there.) Medical professionals need to know. It's relevant to her story. The school knows because, again, it's relevant to her current status. I'm talking more about people that we run into randomly or rarely.
For example, we went to a bridal shower on Sunday. The bride, maid of honor, and their mothers know Sara's story. I didn't have a problem with them sharing it. I'm just not sure if I'll still want people sharing it with everyone in a year or two. (Maybe the novelty will wear off and people won't care any more.) The waitress was asking a lot of questions---mainly because Anna and I were speaking Spanish to Sara. She asked if Sara knew any English---that it was "freaking the busboy" out that we were speaking Spanish to her. I didn't really give her any info. I just told her that Sara doesn't speak any English for now.
Another example: We hung out with three other mom/kid pairs at the zoo. During lunch, I was chatting with one of the moms. She was asking lots of questions about different things. I mentioned having to chaperone prom. She said "Oh, you and your husband?" I answered with "just me." I know what she was getting at but I just didn't want to answer more questions. She also asked if we had just moved to this town. She seemed surprised when I said no. Her response was "I'm surprised Sara wasn't in this class before now." It would have been easy to say why but I just changed the topic of conversation.
I won't hide from Sara that she's adopted. I'm just not sure how free I should be with other people when it comes to that information. Some of it is that I don't want to hear how wonderful I am. The other part is that I feel like Sara should just be Sara---not some poor orphan that was rescued from poverty and an orphanage. That was her life before. Now, she is my daughter. It's that simple.
You can usually tell people's intentions. If they seem to be interested in adoption, I'll try to point them in the right direction. If they're just wanting details about our situations for no reason, I'm pretty vague.
ReplyDeleteI totally feel the same sort of confusion. I guess physically my adopted kids look less like me so people probably assume, but there's always the curiousness. I don't mind curious questions...I'd rather have those than ignorant assumptions...but sometimes you just plain don't feel like you want to draw any more attention to your child or yourself. I think you just have to go on a case by case basis. Sometimes a very simple answer, sometimes no answer, sometimes you get a chance to share more of your story as a testimony or encourage someone else who has been thinking about adoption. I have to remind myself that our answers should always be gracious...even when the questions are ignorant or poorly worded.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you about not wanting people to tell you how wonderful you are because you adopted this poor unfortunate girl. I hate it when people tell me that about adopting our boys - I did it more for selfish reasons - I wanted more babies to take care of! They filled a need of mine - not vice versa.
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