Stop Being So Nice to My Kid

I know that most parents are cringing right now--especially those who have children with special needs.  After all, we all want our children to by loved and accepted, right?  As parents/teachers/siblings, we fight for people to be nice to our kids.  So, why in the world would a mother of a child with Down syndrome be asking people to stop being nice to her kid?  Doesn't she realize that most parents just want people to be nice to their kid?  Doesn't she know that her child won't always be four and cute?

Yes.  I know all these things.  Let me explain....

In addition to being the mother of a child with Down syndrome, I am the sister of two young men with special needs.  I am also a teacher of young adults with special needs.  I understand that the world is cruel and hurtful to those that are different.  I've had words with both children and adults about the way they have treated someone I love.  I took on a local mall when they kicked my students out for carrying clipboards---something they needed to help them engage with the community.  I've cringed when little children ask me why Sara talks funny or doesn't follow their directions.

During my thirteen years of teaching, I have learned that one of the best things a parent can do for their child with special needs is to treat them the same way they treat their other children.  If your other children do chores, your child with special needs should also do chores.  (Of course, they need to be appropriate to their functioning level.)  I get that not all kids will be able to do the same chores.  But they can do something!  If your other children sit quietly in church, so should your child with special needs.  They should sit as quietly as they are able.  If all your children sit at the kitchen table and do homework after school, ALL your children should be there.

Now, I  know that parents of children with special needs go through stages of grieving.  I know that a lot of times, parents are battling the medical issues, insurance companies, school districts, and financial issues that often come with children with special needs.  I know that a lot of times parents are just trying to keep their heads above water.  I certainly don't have it all together.  But, like our children, we need to do the best that we can and be as consistent as possible.  We need to expect more from our kids!

After years of teaching, I am pretty good at picking out which children are treated just like their siblings and which ones are treated differently because they are "special."  I already know what parents will say when I ask them about chores at home.  I know which ones will list off things their young adult is expected to do and which ones will look appalled that I suggested their "special child" should be helping around the house.  I've also sat with parents who say "I know I've been too permissive and spoiled him.  What can you do to fix that?"  Let me tell you right now---those things are HARD to fix at 18.  I don't Sara to be that young adult!  The one that has gotten her way for so long that she feels entitled to do whatever she wants; when she wants.

So, this brings me back to the title.  Stop being so nice to my kid!!   Nothing drives me crazy more than people who give in to Sara because she's cute and charming and "special".  I'm her mother and if I say "no," the answer is "no."  She may not like it but she's learning.  She won't always be four and it won't always be cute.  I'm not talking about my sister who buys her ice cream or my mom who loves to buy her new clothes. I'm not talking about my friends who will take an extra minute to sit and listen to Sara's story that makes absolutely no sense.

*I'm talking about the lady at the bank that was going to give her the whole bucket of lollipops because she wanted them.  If the other children only get one, she only gets one.  Yes.  She's crying but she'll get over it.  Her mom said "no."

*I'm talking about the lady at the museum who let her cut in front of ten kids that had been waiting forever.  If the other children wait in line, she can too.  No.  She doesn't like it but she's learning.  Her mom said "wait."

*I'm talking about the man in the airport that lets her dig through his backpack.  Would you really let anyone else do that?  I doubt it.  Her mom said "no."

*I'm talking about the people at the baseball game that feed her because she asked for their nachos.  Most people don't share their food with complete strangers.  She's had dinner.  She's not hungry.  Her mom said "no."

I really am glad that people love Sara so much.  Her charm will take her far in this world.  A sense of entitlement will not.

So, here's my advice:

*To the moms out there:  Stick to your guns.  Raise your child the way you would raise any child.  Don't be afraid to speak up and put your foot down.  (I need to get better at this.)  No one is doing your child any favors by letting them have and do whatever they want.  People may not get it.  (I swear people think I'm mean sometimes when she cries and I don't give in.)  They don't need to.  You are responsible for your child.  They are not.

*To our friends and family:  Thank you for loving Sara.  Thank you for laughing with her and playing with her.  Thank you for spoiling her.  Thank you for treating her just like anyone else's child.  Please!  If I say no to something, back me up.  If you wouldn't let your child or any other child do it, don't let her do it!  I'm not being mean.  I'm trying my hardest to do what is best for my little girl.

*To the strangers out there:  She's awfully cute.  I know!  Thank you for engaging with her and not ignoring her.  Thank you for saying hello!  Thanks for making her laugh.  Please treat her like you would any other child.  Please say no to her if she's invading your  space or your possessions.  Please don't feed her your food.  Please ask me for help if you need it.  Please disengage when I tell her to say goodbye to you.  Please acknowledge and respect the boundaries I set for her.  I know she's cute and engaging and charming but I doubt you'll feel that way when she's 14 and still trying to sit in your lap!

Seriously!  Stop being so nice to my kid!  

July Journey - Part 3 - Extra Week in NY

Due to an issue with my car, we ended up spending an extra week in NY.  (I won't publicly embarrass any one but let the record show that it was not my fault!)  While it was annoying to wait a week for car repairs, the timing was great.  We didn't have any commitments during that time and I'm off of work for the summer.  So, we spent an extra week in NY hanging with my parents and brothers.  We kept ourselves pretty busy and got some visits in with family and old friends.

My rental car for the week.  It was pretty fun to drive this thing through the winding, hilly roads of Western NY.  Rob hated the car and announced it every time he had to wait for one of us to let him out.  (Apparently he's not a fan of child locks on back doors.)

Sara makes friends every where we go---including Little League games.  This little girl asked me why she talked funny.  I just told her she was still learning English.  Her response:  "I can still play with her, though.  Right?"  Yes, sweetheart.  You can!

She's a little bit vain.  This was a disastrous trip to Walmart.  Never take a brother obsessed with toys and a 4-year-old who hasn't seen most toys into Walmart without some sort of backup.  (My mom disappeared to attempt to get some actual shopping done.)  

We got to visit with my brother and his girls.  This is Sara's cousin.  They aren't really convinced that they like each other at this point in their lives.  They both LOVE to be in charge and that doesn't always work out very well.

They sure are cute, though!

Nana is getting buried but I'm pretty sure she's loving it.

Kinsley is more Sara's speed.  She's used to being told what to do.

Unfortunately, this was just before we were headed out to a church party.  Summer has worn her out.

Sara went on her first canoe ride at the church picnic.  I really did not want to swim in that pond but once she saw other kids in it, there was no way she wasn't going in.  As much as she thinks she doesn't need me in the water, she does.
On a side note, I love how welcoming my parents' church family has been to Sara (and my brothers).  It's pretty much the only church that we've been too that I haven't been totally stressed out about her behavior.  (She's not bad but I don't want her to be the kid people are talking about later.)  Apparently, I've told her to be quiet a few times in church because she shushed the greeter as soon as we walked into the sanctuary.  

My little girl is growing up!  She looks so mature in this picture.

On Monday, we went to Circle C Ranch to meet up with a friend who was dropping off her daughter.  I worked there for 4 summers in high school and college.  I have some amazing memories from that place as a camper and as staff.  It was fun to go see how little has changed in 20 years!!

Monday morning shoot out.  My sister and I were trying to figure out how many of these Wayne has been in and how many we've seen!

Sheriff Red.  (I thought he was old when I was a camper! That was more years ago than I want to admit.)  

The view on the drive home.  It doesn't get more beautiful than this and makes me wonder why I ever left.

My parents' house is grand central station with teenage boys, cats, construction workers, etc.  Sara managed to sleep in the middle of the living room floor for two hours!

Headed to my Aunt's house for lunch on Tuesday.  A girl has to be prepared with her life jacket just in case she gets the chance to go swimming!

My mom and my Aunt trying to figure out their iphones while we were at the playground.

Sara has no fear.  She was climbing stairs and ladders; going down huge slides.  She really wanted to slide down the firemen's pole but that's where I drew the line.  I'm glad she's brave but a little fear would be good!

 I stole this picture from my Dad.  They took her in the car wash---something I haven't done because she's afraid of falling water and loud noises.  They said she was fine but she told me a LONG story when she got home about it.

8 states; 3 weeks; thousands of miles and millions of memories.  It was so great to get to spend so much time with Sara and for her to spend so much time with her grandparents.  I've seen her grow leaps and bounds this summer.  School is all well and good but real-life experiences are just as important.

We have one more trip left and then it's back to "real life" for both of us.  I have no idea how we'll get used to going to bed on time and getting up to an alarm again but I guess we'll figure it out.  Summer can't last forever.

July Journey - Part 2 - Camping in Maine

My Dad's entire family is in Maine.  My sister, brother, and I were all born there.  Some of my dad's family have been super supportive of Sara and her adoption.  So, a bunch of us loaded into my parents' RV and headed to Maine for a week.

Traveling is exhausting.  

Massachusetts.  Cut me some slack.  It was late!

Sick of traveling.

Listening to music with my dad while waiting for my sister to fly in.

Sara with my great aunt and uncle.  It made me realize how much she would have loved my grandfather.

Rob loves taking care of her and helping her out.  Unfortunately, she doesn't always want to be cared for.  She's kind of independent.

She loves her Tia!

Checking out the Atlantic Ocean.

The view from our campsite.

She loves her grandpa.

This was her favorite activity any time Janelle was in the loft.  I was convinced she was going to go through the windshield.  

My Aunt Kathy gave her this adorable purse.  She loves it!

We rode a train from Belfast to Waldo.  Sara and Rob loved it!  She even got brave enough to stand up for a while.  

And this is why I got NO sleep all week.

Belfast, ME

This is how we "camp."  In an air-conditioned RV with electricity.  

If Sara couldn't get an adult to share their phone, she played on the GPS like it was a phone.  Messed the settings all up.

My aunt hosted a picnic.  (I think it was actually my uncle's retirement party.)  Sara got to meet most of my cousins, aunts, and uncles all at once!  She charmed them all, of course.

Making S'mores with my cousin's daughter.

She refuses to sit in her little pink chair.  She finds the biggest chairs she can find and then men are all too charmed by her to kick her out.

Dragging my cousin around by his wallet chain.

Chilling with my cousin Jason.

In the ADORABLE sweater my aunt made her.  I can't wait for it to be cold enough for her to wear it.

Chatting with Aunt Kathy---one of her biggest fans and supporters.  Aunt Kathy has reposted so many pictures of Sara that she was recognized by a group of older men hanging out at a Dunkin Donuts in Belfast.  She's famous every where!  

She loved having big girls to play with.

My grandmother.  You have to sneak pictures of her because she won't pose.

Right in the middle of the action.

It's not a trip to Maine without some yummy seafood!

Newington, NH.  Did you know you can camp overnight in Walmart parking lots?

Breakfast with Tia and Nana.

There's something about Maine that always feels like going home.  It was so nice to see Sara accepted and loved by my extended family.  People I don't even know were excited to meet her.  This little girl has charmed her way into the hearts of many!