Some big changes are coming to our little family. Big changes.
The first huge change is moving. We are planning to move this summer to be closer to my family. I've been almost 600 miles from my family since I finished college 15 years ago. I've enjoyed my independence and never planned to move back. But, kids change everything. There are tons of reasons to stay and tons of reasons to move but I really want Sara to be near her family and that trumps the rest of the list.
My parents and I are working on a housing situation since rental options in the middle of no where are pretty limited. I have almost finished the process to transfer my teaching license to NY. (Although I'm open to lots of employment options.) I've met with a Realtor and am cautiously optimistic about selling my house here. I've been looking for jobs but it's still pretty early to get serious about anything. Please pray with us for a great job (I love the one I'm leaving here) and that we will at least break even on the house.
A big bonus of moving is access to free babysitters---aka the grandparents! I have been blessed with amazing sitters for Sara after school and on her days off. I would not be able to make it without them. I also have respite care through a local agency but Sara will not stay with them. (The emotional impact was not worth a few hours away.) My parents adore Sara and she loves them. They are pretty much the only ones I can leave her with without major tears and trauma. (Although my dad learned at Christmas that she doesn't really like to go out without mom.) Knowing that I will be able to run to the store alone occasionally or go to the doctor without a shadow is very relieving to me. I'm glad that we've had these two years together to establish our little family but it's time to accept some help. This mom is tired.
Now that I've admitted I'm exhausted, it's time to announce something else. I might just be crazy but I'm planning to start another adoption once we are settled. I have my eye on a little one but I'm hoping and praying she doesn't have to wait that long for a family. (You know those prayers. Dear God, please help me find her a family quickly. If not, please let my agency have her file in the fall. Because I want her to have a mom. Soon. But I really want to be her mom.) I swore I would never go back to Sara's country but I think adoption is like labor. It doesn't seem to bad from this side of things. It was hard but totally worth it. Sure. I'd do it again.
Sara has adjusted so well and is becoming so independent. She loves babies and I think will do really well with a younger sibling (once she learns to share mommy). I've had people asking me for the last two years when I was going to adopt again. Reading this little girl's file and really thinking about what life would look like with another one makes me think that the time is near. As long as the transition to our new home and life goes well, I really think we'll be in a position to start a new adoption in the fall.
I have set up a Future Adoption Account and will change some of my advocacy and fund raising efforts in order to be as financially ready as possible when I can finally commit and start a home study. (I know I won't save enough for the whole adoption by then but I'm hoping for enough to get me started.) I'll be adding a small amount out of each pay check to the account. I'll also be putting in any money that I make from selling items that we won't be moving. (I love online garage sale sites!) I'll be using my Swagbucks points to get paypal gift cards which I can transfer to the account. I'll also be adding some money from Scarves and Skirts for Sara and Avon for Adoptions. And once my car is paid off in the new few months, that account is really going to grow!
I will continue to use Scarves and Skirts for Sara to raise money for friends who are adopting. When I sell items, I usually charge twice what the yarn cost me plus shipping costs. (There are a few exceptions.) I keep half of the money from each sale to cover my costs. Up until now, the other half has gone to an adopting family or waiting child. Starting with any new orders, I will give 25% of the price to the current family or child and put the other 25% in my future adoption account.
I will also continue to use Avon sales from Avon for Adoptions to help adopting families. I have always donated my 20% commission to adopting families. Starting March 1, when a family is holding a fund raiser, they will get 15% of each purchase and I will keep the other 5% for my future adoption fund. If there is not an active fund raiser going on, all 20% will go into my savings account.
I realize this is probably a lot more technical information than a lot of you wanted but I really strive to be honest and forthcoming about all of my fundraising efforts--whether they are for myself or someone else.
Those are the two big changes that I'm ready to vaguely announce for our little family. Who knows what other changes our future holds. Stay tuned.
Showing posts with label single parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single parenting. Show all posts
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Friday, May 2, 2014
Coincidence?
Tonight was Family Fun Night at Sara's school. We paid $1 and got way more food than we could eat, games, pony rides, face painting, and a bounce house. I knew Sara would love it so I signed us up.
Then I started to dread it. I knew exactly how it would go down. Sara would spend the vast majority of the night in the bounce house and I'd be stuck standing outside with nothing to do and no one to talk to. These are the types of events that make me really wish I had a husband. But again, I knew Sara would love it so we went.
It went down pretty much exactly as I thought it would. EXCEPT----
Sara's math teacher was running the bounce house. We started chatting. Her first questions were about adoption. She was thrilled to realize that I had CHOSEN to adopt Sara KNOWING that she had Down syndrome. She started telling me that:
*She's always kind of wanted a child with Down syndrome.
*She's never told anyone that because she thought it sounded crazy.
*She's always been drawn to her students with DS.
*Her students with DS have always been her favorites---except teachers don't have favorites.
*She didn't realize you could adopt a child with DS before she heard Sara's story.
*She has a lot of professional experience that would be valuable.
*She really feels like she has a lot to offer a child with DS.
*She really thinks she could do it.
*But, she's not married.
That is my EXACT story! I wrote it out here when I was first considering adoption.
Things got busy after that so I told her that she should definitely consider it and that LOTS of kids with Down syndrome are looking for families. Of course, I told her that she should check out Reece's Rainbow and contact me if she had anymore questions or wanted to chat.
I have never met this woman before tonight and probably wouldn't have if we hadn't gone. She only has Sara for math so she doesn't come to the IEP meetings. I'm rarely at Sara's school because of my work schedule. It's very possible our paths would never have crossed.
It was very clear to me that she adores Sara and that Sara's story has touched her heart. People always say that Sara is very lucky to have been adopted but I know that a lot of people have been blessed by Sara. This little girl is capturing hearts every where she goes. I'm the one that is blessed to be a part of her life.
Some pictures of Family Fun Night:
Then I started to dread it. I knew exactly how it would go down. Sara would spend the vast majority of the night in the bounce house and I'd be stuck standing outside with nothing to do and no one to talk to. These are the types of events that make me really wish I had a husband. But again, I knew Sara would love it so we went.
It went down pretty much exactly as I thought it would. EXCEPT----
Sara's math teacher was running the bounce house. We started chatting. Her first questions were about adoption. She was thrilled to realize that I had CHOSEN to adopt Sara KNOWING that she had Down syndrome. She started telling me that:
*She's always kind of wanted a child with Down syndrome.
*She's never told anyone that because she thought it sounded crazy.
*She's always been drawn to her students with DS.
*Her students with DS have always been her favorites---except teachers don't have favorites.
*She didn't realize you could adopt a child with DS before she heard Sara's story.
*She has a lot of professional experience that would be valuable.
*She really feels like she has a lot to offer a child with DS.
*She really thinks she could do it.
*But, she's not married.
That is my EXACT story! I wrote it out here when I was first considering adoption.
Things got busy after that so I told her that she should definitely consider it and that LOTS of kids with Down syndrome are looking for families. Of course, I told her that she should check out Reece's Rainbow and contact me if she had anymore questions or wanted to chat.
I have never met this woman before tonight and probably wouldn't have if we hadn't gone. She only has Sara for math so she doesn't come to the IEP meetings. I'm rarely at Sara's school because of my work schedule. It's very possible our paths would never have crossed.
It was very clear to me that she adores Sara and that Sara's story has touched her heart. People always say that Sara is very lucky to have been adopted but I know that a lot of people have been blessed by Sara. This little girl is capturing hearts every where she goes. I'm the one that is blessed to be a part of her life.
Some pictures of Family Fun Night:
Grandpa has taught us to always be early so we were waiting in the car for it to start.
The first thing we found was the food.
First Pony Ride. It took her a little while to relax.
Last time I took her for a pony ride, she waited for an hour and wouldn't get on. This time she rode like a pro!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
The Truth - One Year Later
A year ago today, I boarded a plane to head to Colombia. At the time, I put on a happy face and made it seem like I was super excited to meet my "daughter"---you know, that little girl that I had 4 pictures of and had seen on Skype twice. The girl I was supposed to be madly in love with. The girl I was scared to death of!
I'm about to be brutally honest with all of you. It may make you think less of me. It may remind you that I'm a flawed, crazy human being---just like everyone else. It may give you comfort in your own process and thoughts.
When I decide to do something, I do all my research, make pro/con lists, and jump in--quickly. There is no time for doubts or second thoughts. I'm in. I did it when moving to Chicago. I did it when buying a house. I did it when returning from Mexico. I did it when adopting a child.
I first heard about Reece's Rainbow in a television story over Christmas break 2011. I wrote my first blog post about RR and an idea that was in my head on January 1, 2012. I went public with my decision on January 25, 2012 after having contacted the home study agency, the adoption agency, and RR. On February 17, 2012, I revealed who my daughter was and we became public on the RR site. All of that happened in less than 2 months.
At that point, the momentum was in place. I was getting fingerprints, filling out paperwork and applications, having the social worker visit, working out details, fundraising. I was busy!
Most of the time, I was super excited about becoming Sara's mom. But, when I laid down at night to go to sleep, the doubts crept in. I wasn't just adopting. I was adopting a child with special needs. On my own. I was going to be giving up all of my time, my freedom, my money, my sleep! I was becoming a mom---forever!
It all came to a head when it was time to leave. I invited a bunch of friends to come over the night before I left. One of them asked if that was really how I wanted to spend my evening. It sure was! I didn't want to be alone with my panicky thoughts! I just might talk myself out of going. A couple of them stayed late into the night. I was glad because I was so tired when they left that I had no trouble going to sleep.
I woke up in a panic. I couldn't go. I was ruining my life. I was not cut out for this. I'm not the great person that a lot of people seem to think I am. I'm a mediocre teacher. What makes me think I'll be a good parent? What if I didn't like her? (My sister reminded me that I didn't really like all the students I've had over the years. What if I didn't like her? Thanks, sister!) What in the world made me think this was a good idea???
I knew I had to get up and get dressed because friends were coming to pick me up and take me to the airport. I talked myself through each step and took lots of deep breaths. I managed not to cry on the way to the airport or through the check in process. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I had to get on the first plane because my mom was meeting me in NY for our flight to Colombia. I couldn't leave her there alone. I had to get on the next plane because my mom was with me and she was so excited. I didn't tell her what I was thinking and feeling because I was afraid if I started to talk, I'd start crying and just never stop.
I am a people-pleaser and a peace-maker. I felt like there were so many people invested in this process. So many people had helped me fund raise and supported me. So many people were excited. I couldn't let them down! I'd have to go and complete the adoption because I'd never be able to face them if I came home empty-handed.
I should clarify that I didn't always have these feelings. I had sought wise counsel and spent a lot of time in prayer. I had seen God provide for my adoption financially and in so many other ways. I knew that I was doing the right thing. I just didn't feel it at all on that day.
I wish I could say that it all changed two days later when I met her. It really didn't. I felt like I was babysitting. I kept expecting someone to realize that I had no idea what I was doing and take her away. I had to keep reminding myself of all that I had gone through to get her because I felt like they were just giving away children to anyone.
A year later, I can tell you without a doubt that I did not ruin my life. Things may have gone quickly and I may have gotten caught up in the momentum. I may have had doubts but I do not have regrets. I may get frustrated and wish I could go grocery shopping alone but I am madly in love with MY daughter. Choosing to adopt Sara was the best decision I've ever made in my life.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Guilt?
I participate in a couple of on-line adoption groups. Sometimes, these groups provide an amazing amount of support. Sometimes, they provide an endless amount of frustration when people say and do things that I just don't agree with. Sometimes, they cause me to stop and think about what I really believe. Today falls under the third category.
Someone is selling t-shirts. She posted a picture with this description:
Wanted: a good home for this tshirt. Must love orphans, and believe every child deserves a mom and dad. Washing said shirt is optional, the love part not so much.
My first thought was to comment that I wouldn't be buying a t-shirt from her since I don't believe that every child deserves a mom and a dad. (Sometimes, I can be a LITTLE passive-aggressive.) After all, Sara is thriving and she doesn't have a dad. Then my train of thought started down a crazy, long, guilt-filled track...
*Do I really believe that Sara doesn't deserve a mom and dad?
*Of course, she deserves it. Every kid does.
*So, did I do her a disservice by adopting her? Should I have waited and prayed for a married couple to adopt her? After all, I was reminded time and time again during the process that a lot of Christian organizations don't believe single women should adopt. (Most won't say that outright but they will only support married couples.)
*Maybe she deserves it but doesn't need it. After all, how many kids really have two loving, committed, involved parents. Then again, I'm not sure I want my child to turn out like all the other kids these days.
*It's not like there is no chance she'll ever have a father. Then again, there is a chance she won't. If I actually met someone worthy of being her dad, I would never tell him that I don't think she deserves a father and a mother.
*She's clearly better off with me than she was in an orphanage. She's growing, learning and talking like crazy. But, is better off enough? Doesn't she deserve the best? But how do I know that "the best" was going to come along for her? Certainly better off is better than nothing.
*Well, now I don't know what I think. And I'm feeling kind of guilty. After all, she loves men. Maybe she should have a dad...
*How did I end up here from someone's innocent post about a t-shirt?
*Wait! I answered this question before on my blog. What did I say then?
(And, if I'm being completely honest, I hated Father's Day this year. We got to celebrate with my dad but it did highlight what Sara doesn't have.)
*Hmmmm...well, whether or not she has a father, I need to feed her dinner. I guess I'll get off the crazy train now.
Yes. This is really how my mind works. It spins and spins and rarely comes up with actual answers.
I guess the bottom line for tonight is that God brought Sara to me. If you know any of our story, you know that has to be true. If God wants her to have a father, he'll bring him to us as well. If not, we'll go on growing and learning and thriving together.
Someone is selling t-shirts. She posted a picture with this description:
Wanted: a good home for this tshirt. Must love orphans, and believe every child deserves a mom and dad. Washing said shirt is optional, the love part not so much.
My first thought was to comment that I wouldn't be buying a t-shirt from her since I don't believe that every child deserves a mom and a dad. (Sometimes, I can be a LITTLE passive-aggressive.) After all, Sara is thriving and she doesn't have a dad. Then my train of thought started down a crazy, long, guilt-filled track...
*Do I really believe that Sara doesn't deserve a mom and dad?
*Of course, she deserves it. Every kid does.
*So, did I do her a disservice by adopting her? Should I have waited and prayed for a married couple to adopt her? After all, I was reminded time and time again during the process that a lot of Christian organizations don't believe single women should adopt. (Most won't say that outright but they will only support married couples.)
*Maybe she deserves it but doesn't need it. After all, how many kids really have two loving, committed, involved parents. Then again, I'm not sure I want my child to turn out like all the other kids these days.
*It's not like there is no chance she'll ever have a father. Then again, there is a chance she won't. If I actually met someone worthy of being her dad, I would never tell him that I don't think she deserves a father and a mother.
*She's clearly better off with me than she was in an orphanage. She's growing, learning and talking like crazy. But, is better off enough? Doesn't she deserve the best? But how do I know that "the best" was going to come along for her? Certainly better off is better than nothing.
*Well, now I don't know what I think. And I'm feeling kind of guilty. After all, she loves men. Maybe she should have a dad...
*How did I end up here from someone's innocent post about a t-shirt?
*Wait! I answered this question before on my blog. What did I say then?
How do you let go of the guilt of knowing your child may never have a father? I wonder if I didn't adopt my yet unknown son would a two parent family come along and adopt him? And then he'd have a daddy. Of course I haven't given up on marriage at all so that's still a possibility. And obviously a mommy is better than an orphanage or mental institution. When you see kids with their dads do you feel a little bit sad for Sara?
That's a pretty loaded and personal question. I'll probably just scratch the surface of this one.
Like the questioner, I haven't completely given up on the idea of marriage. I would love for Sara to have an amazing father. I would love for her to grow up in a stable, two-parent family. Isn't that what everyone wants for their child? Unfortunately, we live in a very imperfect world. (If it was perfect, we wouldn't need adoption at all.) A lot of children these days don't grow up in two-parent families. A lot of children grow up with parents that are uninvolved in their lives. I agree that a mom is better than an orphanage but I think it's more than that. Sara may only have one parent but she has one parent that is completely devoted to her. I'd say that's better than two mediocre parents any day! (And, if I'm being completely honest, I hated Father's Day this year. We got to celebrate with my dad but it did highlight what Sara doesn't have.)
*Hmmmm...well, whether or not she has a father, I need to feed her dinner. I guess I'll get off the crazy train now.
Yes. This is really how my mind works. It spins and spins and rarely comes up with actual answers.
I guess the bottom line for tonight is that God brought Sara to me. If you know any of our story, you know that has to be true. If God wants her to have a father, he'll bring him to us as well. If not, we'll go on growing and learning and thriving together.
Friday, August 23, 2013
The Things I Wish I Had Time to Explain....
On more occasions that I can count, I have been given unsolicited parenting advice.
*Sometimes it's very direct. "You know that your child is way too big to be in a stroller, right?"
*Sometimes it's less direct. "I just took one of your french fries. Get over it. You need to learn to share."
*Sometimes it's from complete strangers. "Does she belong to you? She shouldn't be touching people. Have you ever told her not to touch people? Tell her not to touch people."
*Sometimes it's from friends and family. "She's not eating any vegetables? Don't you make her eat vegetables?"
*Sometimes it's from doctors. "You need to set limits. This is cute now but won't be later. Kids with Down syndrome still need boundaries."
I sometimes wish I had time to stop and explain a few things to these well-meaning people.
Here's the thing: All of those issues are valid. She shouldn't hit or touch. She should share. She should eat vegetables. She needs limits. She is taller than the stroller. These people are well meaning and usually right.
Here's the other thing: I don't have it all together. I don't know everything about parenting a 5-year-old with Down syndrome. I regularly seek advice from others: other DS moms, friends with behavioral experience, other single moms. I'm pretty good at managing behavior in the classroom but parenting is so different.
Here's the BIG thing: My child has issues. She is not a typical child. She is not a typical 5-year-old with Down syndrome. She is a child who spent the first 4 1/2 years of her life in an institutional setting who is still learning English and also has a disability. She may seem like she's completely adjusted and doing well. Her transition has been amazing and she is adjusting so well but there are underlying issues the result from the first 4 1/2 years of her life. They aren't major issues like some kids face. They are hard to see but they are very real and they make parenting her different.
When you start the adoption process, you are required to do some training and to read some books. I took an online course about adopting an older child. I remember being shocked that my 3-year-old (at the time) was considered an older child. I now know why. My child spent 4 1/2 years of her life in multiple settings. They were good places but she was never parented and most likely got very little 1:1 attention. There are some results of that they we will continue to deal with into her future.
These are the things that I wish I could explain to people when they give me unsolicited parenting advice:
*My child has a lot to learn.
Sara has come so far and learned so much. I don't think she left the orphanage much so she doesn't have any concept of social norms or appropriate public behavior. She's matured so much. I can now run into the gas station or drug store with her for a few things and not have to strap her into a stroller. She knows (but doesn't always like) that she has to hold my hand in a parking lot or on the street. There are so many rules and social norms to learn. I can't teach them all at once. We work on major issues that come up. The more minor stuff is going to take her a while to learn. When she steals fries from a random child in Portillos, I make sure she knows that's not ok. Some of the other things she does are not ok but not as urgent.
*My child has issues with food.
No little child likes to share food but Sara's issues go beyond this. Emotionally, at this point, she can not share food. If food is placed in front of her, it is hers. She is willing to share food with me if I divide it before placing it in front of her. Once it's in front of her, it's off limits. If her ice cream cones is melting and needs to be licked, that's just too bad.
If you take her french fry, she WILL melt down. It's not because she doesn't want to share. She will gladly take two lollipops at the doctors office and give one to me. She will not, however, let me touch hers. She even has a hard time handing me things to be opened. She does not want to let food out of her hands.
I don't know how food was handled in her orphanage. She wasn't growing much. Maybe she didn't get quite enough. Maybe she had to defend her food from other kids. Maybe she got in trouble for taking other's food. I'm not sure. But I do know, that she is very protective of her food. Someday, I may choose to work on sharing food with her. Right now, leave her fries alone!
*My child thinks everyone is her friend.
When a child lives in an orphanage setting, they "know" everyone. Staff may come and go but everyone there is "safe." They can talk to anyone they meet and ask everyone for help. Sara doesn't know that strangers exist. Yes. She will touch and hug everyone she meets. No. It's not appropriate. It's something we are working on.
*My child hits.
I don't think that this is entire the result of orphanage life. Some of it is due to her limited verbal communication skills and her developmental stage. This is probably my main focus right now and something she is doing so much better in. She used to bite when she didn't her way. She hasn't done that in a long time but she will hit or slap me if she's overwhelmed in a situation or if she doesn't get her way. This is not acceptable behavior and my reaction to it is consistent based on her reason for hitting. I think when people see a 5-year-old hitting, they assume the parent has allowed them to hit for 5 years. Not the case in our situation.
*My child needs to be carried.
Sara has grown 3 inches and gained 9 lbs since January. She is not the tiny little toddler I met 8 months ago. Carrying her is getting more difficult every day but I still do it. I realize that it probably looks ridiculous but I think it's so important for bonding. I'm sure she wasn't carried much as a young child. (Developmentally, she still is pretty young.) Her stamina has greatly improved but she doesn't always want to walk, even when she physically can. She's learning that she can rely on her mother to meet her physical and emotional needs. So, as long as I can and as long as she needs me to, I will carry her.
*My child is still learning English.
Sara understands a lot of English but she pretends to understand more than she really does. She will answer yep or no to any question you ask, even if she doesn't know what you said. It takes years to master a language and speech is definitely Sara's biggest struggle. Sometimes when she doesn't listen or obey, it's because she just doesn't understand. She really is a good kid and almost always wants to do the right thing. I will switch to Spanish if I really want to her to understand something. She's not being defiant. She's just confused.
*My child is learning about limits.
Sara is learning all about limits and consistency. When you are being parented by a staff of people, it's hard for them to be consistent. When you only have one parent, it becomes much easier. (Not that I'm as consistent as I would like to be but one person has to be more consistent that 10 or 20.) Sara is responding well to limits and rules. There are just so many rules to learn! She can't be expected to learn them all at once!
*My child is experiencing everything for the first time.
Pretty much every experience right now is new for Sara. Birthday parties, parades, picnics, restaurants, parks. They are all new. She doesn't know how to act in a situation because she's never been in it. There are lots of stories of adults doing offensive things in other countries because they didn't know the social norms. Imagine how many obnoxious situations you could get into in Africa or the Middle East and we're adults that can read social cues!
I've thought about getting a shirt made that says: "It's only been 6 months. You should see where we started! Cut me some slack!" Maybe I'll just get cards made up with the blog address instead and hand those out.....
*Sometimes it's very direct. "You know that your child is way too big to be in a stroller, right?"
*Sometimes it's less direct. "I just took one of your french fries. Get over it. You need to learn to share."
*Sometimes it's from complete strangers. "Does she belong to you? She shouldn't be touching people. Have you ever told her not to touch people? Tell her not to touch people."
*Sometimes it's from friends and family. "She's not eating any vegetables? Don't you make her eat vegetables?"
*Sometimes it's from doctors. "You need to set limits. This is cute now but won't be later. Kids with Down syndrome still need boundaries."
I sometimes wish I had time to stop and explain a few things to these well-meaning people.
Here's the thing: All of those issues are valid. She shouldn't hit or touch. She should share. She should eat vegetables. She needs limits. She is taller than the stroller. These people are well meaning and usually right.
Here's the other thing: I don't have it all together. I don't know everything about parenting a 5-year-old with Down syndrome. I regularly seek advice from others: other DS moms, friends with behavioral experience, other single moms. I'm pretty good at managing behavior in the classroom but parenting is so different.
Here's the BIG thing: My child has issues. She is not a typical child. She is not a typical 5-year-old with Down syndrome. She is a child who spent the first 4 1/2 years of her life in an institutional setting who is still learning English and also has a disability. She may seem like she's completely adjusted and doing well. Her transition has been amazing and she is adjusting so well but there are underlying issues the result from the first 4 1/2 years of her life. They aren't major issues like some kids face. They are hard to see but they are very real and they make parenting her different.
When you start the adoption process, you are required to do some training and to read some books. I took an online course about adopting an older child. I remember being shocked that my 3-year-old (at the time) was considered an older child. I now know why. My child spent 4 1/2 years of her life in multiple settings. They were good places but she was never parented and most likely got very little 1:1 attention. There are some results of that they we will continue to deal with into her future.
These are the things that I wish I could explain to people when they give me unsolicited parenting advice:
*My child has a lot to learn.
Sara has come so far and learned so much. I don't think she left the orphanage much so she doesn't have any concept of social norms or appropriate public behavior. She's matured so much. I can now run into the gas station or drug store with her for a few things and not have to strap her into a stroller. She knows (but doesn't always like) that she has to hold my hand in a parking lot or on the street. There are so many rules and social norms to learn. I can't teach them all at once. We work on major issues that come up. The more minor stuff is going to take her a while to learn. When she steals fries from a random child in Portillos, I make sure she knows that's not ok. Some of the other things she does are not ok but not as urgent.
*My child has issues with food.
No little child likes to share food but Sara's issues go beyond this. Emotionally, at this point, she can not share food. If food is placed in front of her, it is hers. She is willing to share food with me if I divide it before placing it in front of her. Once it's in front of her, it's off limits. If her ice cream cones is melting and needs to be licked, that's just too bad.
If you take her french fry, she WILL melt down. It's not because she doesn't want to share. She will gladly take two lollipops at the doctors office and give one to me. She will not, however, let me touch hers. She even has a hard time handing me things to be opened. She does not want to let food out of her hands.
I don't know how food was handled in her orphanage. She wasn't growing much. Maybe she didn't get quite enough. Maybe she had to defend her food from other kids. Maybe she got in trouble for taking other's food. I'm not sure. But I do know, that she is very protective of her food. Someday, I may choose to work on sharing food with her. Right now, leave her fries alone!
*My child thinks everyone is her friend.
When a child lives in an orphanage setting, they "know" everyone. Staff may come and go but everyone there is "safe." They can talk to anyone they meet and ask everyone for help. Sara doesn't know that strangers exist. Yes. She will touch and hug everyone she meets. No. It's not appropriate. It's something we are working on.
*My child hits.
I don't think that this is entire the result of orphanage life. Some of it is due to her limited verbal communication skills and her developmental stage. This is probably my main focus right now and something she is doing so much better in. She used to bite when she didn't her way. She hasn't done that in a long time but she will hit or slap me if she's overwhelmed in a situation or if she doesn't get her way. This is not acceptable behavior and my reaction to it is consistent based on her reason for hitting. I think when people see a 5-year-old hitting, they assume the parent has allowed them to hit for 5 years. Not the case in our situation.
*My child needs to be carried.
Sara has grown 3 inches and gained 9 lbs since January. She is not the tiny little toddler I met 8 months ago. Carrying her is getting more difficult every day but I still do it. I realize that it probably looks ridiculous but I think it's so important for bonding. I'm sure she wasn't carried much as a young child. (Developmentally, she still is pretty young.) Her stamina has greatly improved but she doesn't always want to walk, even when she physically can. She's learning that she can rely on her mother to meet her physical and emotional needs. So, as long as I can and as long as she needs me to, I will carry her.
*My child is still learning English.
Sara understands a lot of English but she pretends to understand more than she really does. She will answer yep or no to any question you ask, even if she doesn't know what you said. It takes years to master a language and speech is definitely Sara's biggest struggle. Sometimes when she doesn't listen or obey, it's because she just doesn't understand. She really is a good kid and almost always wants to do the right thing. I will switch to Spanish if I really want to her to understand something. She's not being defiant. She's just confused.
*My child is learning about limits.
Sara is learning all about limits and consistency. When you are being parented by a staff of people, it's hard for them to be consistent. When you only have one parent, it becomes much easier. (Not that I'm as consistent as I would like to be but one person has to be more consistent that 10 or 20.) Sara is responding well to limits and rules. There are just so many rules to learn! She can't be expected to learn them all at once!
*My child is experiencing everything for the first time.
Pretty much every experience right now is new for Sara. Birthday parties, parades, picnics, restaurants, parks. They are all new. She doesn't know how to act in a situation because she's never been in it. There are lots of stories of adults doing offensive things in other countries because they didn't know the social norms. Imagine how many obnoxious situations you could get into in Africa or the Middle East and we're adults that can read social cues!
I've thought about getting a shirt made that says: "It's only been 6 months. You should see where we started! Cut me some slack!" Maybe I'll just get cards made up with the blog address instead and hand those out.....
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Stop Being So Nice to My Kid
I know that most parents are cringing right now--especially those who have children with special needs. After all, we all want our children to by loved and accepted, right? As parents/teachers/siblings, we fight for people to be nice to our kids. So, why in the world would a mother of a child with Down syndrome be asking people to stop being nice to her kid? Doesn't she realize that most parents just want people to be nice to their kid? Doesn't she know that her child won't always be four and cute?
Yes. I know all these things. Let me explain....
In addition to being the mother of a child with Down syndrome, I am the sister of two young men with special needs. I am also a teacher of young adults with special needs. I understand that the world is cruel and hurtful to those that are different. I've had words with both children and adults about the way they have treated someone I love. I took on a local mall when they kicked my students out for carrying clipboards---something they needed to help them engage with the community. I've cringed when little children ask me why Sara talks funny or doesn't follow their directions.
During my thirteen years of teaching, I have learned that one of the best things a parent can do for their child with special needs is to treat them the same way they treat their other children. If your other children do chores, your child with special needs should also do chores. (Of course, they need to be appropriate to their functioning level.) I get that not all kids will be able to do the same chores. But they can do something! If your other children sit quietly in church, so should your child with special needs. They should sit as quietly as they are able. If all your children sit at the kitchen table and do homework after school, ALL your children should be there.
Now, I know that parents of children with special needs go through stages of grieving. I know that a lot of times, parents are battling the medical issues, insurance companies, school districts, and financial issues that often come with children with special needs. I know that a lot of times parents are just trying to keep their heads above water. I certainly don't have it all together. But, like our children, we need to do the best that we can and be as consistent as possible. We need to expect more from our kids!
After years of teaching, I am pretty good at picking out which children are treated just like their siblings and which ones are treated differently because they are "special." I already know what parents will say when I ask them about chores at home. I know which ones will list off things their young adult is expected to do and which ones will look appalled that I suggested their "special child" should be helping around the house. I've also sat with parents who say "I know I've been too permissive and spoiled him. What can you do to fix that?" Let me tell you right now---those things are HARD to fix at 18. I don't Sara to be that young adult! The one that has gotten her way for so long that she feels entitled to do whatever she wants; when she wants.
So, this brings me back to the title. Stop being so nice to my kid!! Nothing drives me crazy more than people who give in to Sara because she's cute and charming and "special". I'm her mother and if I say "no," the answer is "no." She may not like it but she's learning. She won't always be four and it won't always be cute. I'm not talking about my sister who buys her ice cream or my mom who loves to buy her new clothes. I'm not talking about my friends who will take an extra minute to sit and listen to Sara's story that makes absolutely no sense.
*I'm talking about the lady at the bank that was going to give her the whole bucket of lollipops because she wanted them. If the other children only get one, she only gets one. Yes. She's crying but she'll get over it. Her mom said "no."
*I'm talking about the lady at the museum who let her cut in front of ten kids that had been waiting forever. If the other children wait in line, she can too. No. She doesn't like it but she's learning. Her mom said "wait."
*I'm talking about the man in the airport that lets her dig through his backpack. Would you really let anyone else do that? I doubt it. Her mom said "no."
*I'm talking about the people at the baseball game that feed her because she asked for their nachos. Most people don't share their food with complete strangers. She's had dinner. She's not hungry. Her mom said "no."
I really am glad that people love Sara so much. Her charm will take her far in this world. A sense of entitlement will not.
So, here's my advice:
*To the moms out there: Stick to your guns. Raise your child the way you would raise any child. Don't be afraid to speak up and put your foot down. (I need to get better at this.) No one is doing your child any favors by letting them have and do whatever they want. People may not get it. (I swear people think I'm mean sometimes when she cries and I don't give in.) They don't need to. You are responsible for your child. They are not.
*To our friends and family: Thank you for loving Sara. Thank you for laughing with her and playing with her. Thank you for spoiling her. Thank you for treating her just like anyone else's child. Please! If I say no to something, back me up. If you wouldn't let your child or any other child do it, don't let her do it! I'm not being mean. I'm trying my hardest to do what is best for my little girl.
*To the strangers out there: She's awfully cute. I know! Thank you for engaging with her and not ignoring her. Thank you for saying hello! Thanks for making her laugh. Please treat her like you would any other child. Please say no to her if she's invading your space or your possessions. Please don't feed her your food. Please ask me for help if you need it. Please disengage when I tell her to say goodbye to you. Please acknowledge and respect the boundaries I set for her. I know she's cute and engaging and charming but I doubt you'll feel that way when she's 14 and still trying to sit in your lap!
Seriously! Stop being so nice to my kid!
Yes. I know all these things. Let me explain....
In addition to being the mother of a child with Down syndrome, I am the sister of two young men with special needs. I am also a teacher of young adults with special needs. I understand that the world is cruel and hurtful to those that are different. I've had words with both children and adults about the way they have treated someone I love. I took on a local mall when they kicked my students out for carrying clipboards---something they needed to help them engage with the community. I've cringed when little children ask me why Sara talks funny or doesn't follow their directions.
During my thirteen years of teaching, I have learned that one of the best things a parent can do for their child with special needs is to treat them the same way they treat their other children. If your other children do chores, your child with special needs should also do chores. (Of course, they need to be appropriate to their functioning level.) I get that not all kids will be able to do the same chores. But they can do something! If your other children sit quietly in church, so should your child with special needs. They should sit as quietly as they are able. If all your children sit at the kitchen table and do homework after school, ALL your children should be there.
Now, I know that parents of children with special needs go through stages of grieving. I know that a lot of times, parents are battling the medical issues, insurance companies, school districts, and financial issues that often come with children with special needs. I know that a lot of times parents are just trying to keep their heads above water. I certainly don't have it all together. But, like our children, we need to do the best that we can and be as consistent as possible. We need to expect more from our kids!
After years of teaching, I am pretty good at picking out which children are treated just like their siblings and which ones are treated differently because they are "special." I already know what parents will say when I ask them about chores at home. I know which ones will list off things their young adult is expected to do and which ones will look appalled that I suggested their "special child" should be helping around the house. I've also sat with parents who say "I know I've been too permissive and spoiled him. What can you do to fix that?" Let me tell you right now---those things are HARD to fix at 18. I don't Sara to be that young adult! The one that has gotten her way for so long that she feels entitled to do whatever she wants; when she wants.
So, this brings me back to the title. Stop being so nice to my kid!! Nothing drives me crazy more than people who give in to Sara because she's cute and charming and "special". I'm her mother and if I say "no," the answer is "no." She may not like it but she's learning. She won't always be four and it won't always be cute. I'm not talking about my sister who buys her ice cream or my mom who loves to buy her new clothes. I'm not talking about my friends who will take an extra minute to sit and listen to Sara's story that makes absolutely no sense.
*I'm talking about the lady at the bank that was going to give her the whole bucket of lollipops because she wanted them. If the other children only get one, she only gets one. Yes. She's crying but she'll get over it. Her mom said "no."
*I'm talking about the lady at the museum who let her cut in front of ten kids that had been waiting forever. If the other children wait in line, she can too. No. She doesn't like it but she's learning. Her mom said "wait."
*I'm talking about the man in the airport that lets her dig through his backpack. Would you really let anyone else do that? I doubt it. Her mom said "no."
*I'm talking about the people at the baseball game that feed her because she asked for their nachos. Most people don't share their food with complete strangers. She's had dinner. She's not hungry. Her mom said "no."
I really am glad that people love Sara so much. Her charm will take her far in this world. A sense of entitlement will not.
So, here's my advice:
*To the moms out there: Stick to your guns. Raise your child the way you would raise any child. Don't be afraid to speak up and put your foot down. (I need to get better at this.) No one is doing your child any favors by letting them have and do whatever they want. People may not get it. (I swear people think I'm mean sometimes when she cries and I don't give in.) They don't need to. You are responsible for your child. They are not.
*To our friends and family: Thank you for loving Sara. Thank you for laughing with her and playing with her. Thank you for spoiling her. Thank you for treating her just like anyone else's child. Please! If I say no to something, back me up. If you wouldn't let your child or any other child do it, don't let her do it! I'm not being mean. I'm trying my hardest to do what is best for my little girl.
*To the strangers out there: She's awfully cute. I know! Thank you for engaging with her and not ignoring her. Thank you for saying hello! Thanks for making her laugh. Please treat her like you would any other child. Please say no to her if she's invading your space or your possessions. Please don't feed her your food. Please ask me for help if you need it. Please disengage when I tell her to say goodbye to you. Please acknowledge and respect the boundaries I set for her. I know she's cute and engaging and charming but I doubt you'll feel that way when she's 14 and still trying to sit in your lap!
Seriously! Stop being so nice to my kid!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
The Nelms Family
Meet the Nelms family. The Nelms family looks a lot like the Keller family. Right now it's Tiffany. Soon it will be Tiffany and "Pepe." I "met" Tiffany in an online adoption group. We've had lots of chats about adopting and parenting as a single mother. Tiffany is still working on getting her profile set up with Reece's Rainbow. However she has a profile on Give Forward to help raise upfront costs.
Pepe is a very sweet 6 year old boy with special needs. The adoptive family needs help to raise the money to get him home!!
If you love adoption blogs like I do, you can follow her journey here. (I'll post the link as soon as she gets it going!)
If you feel led to donate to this amazing family, you can make a donation here.
If you want to purchase a hand-knit item to help with adoption costs, you can do that on my Scarves and Skirts for Sara page. (50% of the price of the item will go to the Nelms family.)
If you want to purchase a hand-knit item to help with adoption costs, you can do that on my Scarves and Skirts for Sara page. (50% of the price of the item will go to the Nelms family.)
Can you find a way to support this mom who is working so hard to get her son home?
Sunday, June 23, 2013
FAQs from Single Women Considering Adoption
Can I just start by saying that I think it's absolutely crazy that people read this blog. I am not an expert by any means. I never set out to be. I started the blog to keep my friends and family updated on my process. (I'm pretty sure that my mom was the only one that read it for quite a while.) I just wanted to get my feelings and thoughts out "on paper" so I could look back later. Somewhere along the way, people started caring what I had to say. Not tons of people but enough strangers that it puzzles me.
I have no education related to adoption or attachment or single parenting. I don't even really read that much about such things. I just know what my experience has been. And I know that I spend a lot of time thinking about things and sometimes I just have to get it out.
I'm sure there are people that don't agree with anything I have to say. I know that there are people out there that think they know what I will do or say in a certain situation. (Hi to those at the anti-adoption sites that think they know me!) I also know that I don't have all the answers and that I'm not always right. Sometimes, I write things that I really believe. Then, people push back and I change my mind. I welcome intelligent dialog. (I don't welcome bullying or mean-spirited-ness.) I hope that the posts that I write about what I believe and think will cause others to think about what they believe---whether or not we agree!
I've been getting emails and questions from single women who are considering adoption for quite a while now. This week alone, I've been emailing with two women who have followed the blog. I love this part of the process! I didn't really know anyone in my exact situation when I was going through the process. I love that I can be a resource to these women. I also love the blunt posts I've written so they know it isn't all fun and games. Just in case there are more of you out there, here are the FAQs I've been getting.
What you wish you would have known? I have no education related to adoption or attachment or single parenting. I don't even really read that much about such things. I just know what my experience has been. And I know that I spend a lot of time thinking about things and sometimes I just have to get it out.
I'm sure there are people that don't agree with anything I have to say. I know that there are people out there that think they know what I will do or say in a certain situation. (Hi to those at the anti-adoption sites that think they know me!) I also know that I don't have all the answers and that I'm not always right. Sometimes, I write things that I really believe. Then, people push back and I change my mind. I welcome intelligent dialog. (I don't welcome bullying or mean-spirited-ness.) I hope that the posts that I write about what I believe and think will cause others to think about what they believe---whether or not we agree!
I've been getting emails and questions from single women who are considering adoption for quite a while now. This week alone, I've been emailing with two women who have followed the blog. I love this part of the process! I didn't really know anyone in my exact situation when I was going through the process. I love that I can be a resource to these women. I also love the blunt posts I've written so they know it isn't all fun and games. Just in case there are more of you out there, here are the FAQs I've been getting.
I wish I had known that mothers of small children were not exaggerating about how hard it is. I always thought they were kind of silly when they got excited about going to Target alone or whined about not being able to go to the bathroom alone. Sara does not leave my side. Tonight, I was trying to put away laundry up stairs. I put a movie in for Sara down stairs. She wouldn't stay down there. She followed me around with the DVD case asking to watch a movie. Parenting is hard. Single parenting is even harder.
I know you can make choices for good odds that you've chosen a child who can attach over time, who can transition into school, whose medical conditions are somewhat stable but how do you get over the fear of something devastating and unexpected? Something about their behavior or health that will make it impossible for you to both parent this child and earn an income? Something that really requires a SAHP. How do you work through that fear when you absolutely, positively must have a paying career in order to feed and clothe your new child?
Well that is a super-loaded question. Wow. I'm not sure I honestly thought about things that way. I did intentionally choose a child that did not have significant medical issues. I knew that after the process and travel, I wouldn't have sick time left for a long hospital stay. (I also wasn't sure my child's open heart surgery was something I could survive alone.) I have a job that has been very understanding. (My supervisor is great and my staff have really stepped up and covered for me over the last year.) I know that if I really, really had to, I could move back in with my parents. (I'm sure my mom will attest to that in the comment section.) I'm not one to think about the worst case scenario. I am a realist but I don't sit around thinking about things like "what if my kids gets cancer." Any child could end up in a really hard situation that required a parent to quit their job--adopted or biological. This is where my faith comes in. I believe that God will provide for my child and I in one way or another.
Well that is a super-loaded question. Wow. I'm not sure I honestly thought about things that way. I did intentionally choose a child that did not have significant medical issues. I knew that after the process and travel, I wouldn't have sick time left for a long hospital stay. (I also wasn't sure my child's open heart surgery was something I could survive alone.) I have a job that has been very understanding. (My supervisor is great and my staff have really stepped up and covered for me over the last year.) I know that if I really, really had to, I could move back in with my parents. (I'm sure my mom will attest to that in the comment section.) I'm not one to think about the worst case scenario. I am a realist but I don't sit around thinking about things like "what if my kids gets cancer." Any child could end up in a really hard situation that required a parent to quit their job--adopted or biological. This is where my faith comes in. I believe that God will provide for my child and I in one way or another.
I want to know how you deal with other kids at home when you're travelling? And when the new child/ren come home? In a 2 parent home, you can share one-on-one time with each child by having the other parent watch the rest; that's not an option when it's just you.
I don't have a great answer for this one. Right now, I just have Sara. I have toyed with the idea of adopting another one right away but I know that wouldn't be fair to Sara. (I so have my eye on one, though.) I know that I wouldn't be able to give Sara and another child the attention that they need right now. Not until Sara is more settled and mature. I need her to be secure in her position in this family before I introduce anyone else.
When/if the time comes, I would take Sara with me. I would most likely adopt from Colombia or another Latin American country again. I would only consider a country that would allow me to take Sara with me. I feel like that would be very important for both Sara and the potential new child.
When/if the time comes, I would take Sara with me. I would most likely adopt from Colombia or another Latin American country again. I would only consider a country that would allow me to take Sara with me. I feel like that would be very important for both Sara and the potential new child.
Which countries are ok with single mom's adopting?
I've looked for an official list of countries and I can't find one. This is my favorite website for current programs. Obviously, Colombia is okay with it. I also know that Peru, Bulgaria and China are open to single women.
What other restrictions do they put on single mom's?
The process is the same for single women and couples. It might even be a little easier single and definitely cheaper. I only had to get one birth certificate, no marriage certificate, one set of background clearances, one psych eval, etc. Those things all add up! Oh, and only one plane ticket!
Are the income guidelines the same?
The income guidelines are the same except you have one less person in the home. So, a single woman working full time actually has to make less than a two parent family where only one parent works. So, with Sara, there are two of us in the household so I needed to make more than $19,388. If I was married, there would be 3 of us so we would need an income of $24,413. I got those numbers here.
What if you are divorced or have other children at home? Does that have any effect on adoping internationally as a single mom?
Each country has their own rules about the number of children and divorce history. Neither of those things will disqualify you completely but they may limit the countries you can choose. (I know that Colombia only allows one divorce.)
I've looked for an official list of countries and I can't find one. This is my favorite website for current programs. Obviously, Colombia is okay with it. I also know that Peru, Bulgaria and China are open to single women.
What other restrictions do they put on single mom's?
The process is the same for single women and couples. It might even be a little easier single and definitely cheaper. I only had to get one birth certificate, no marriage certificate, one set of background clearances, one psych eval, etc. Those things all add up! Oh, and only one plane ticket!
Are the income guidelines the same?
The income guidelines are the same except you have one less person in the home. So, a single woman working full time actually has to make less than a two parent family where only one parent works. So, with Sara, there are two of us in the household so I needed to make more than $19,388. If I was married, there would be 3 of us so we would need an income of $24,413. I got those numbers here.
What if you are divorced or have other children at home? Does that have any effect on adoping internationally as a single mom?
When did you decide that you were "ready" to adopt? This has been the hardest question for me to answer as a single mom, so I would be interested to hear your take on it.
For years, I have said that if I had a child with Down syndrome, I would not be sad at all. The older I got, the more I thought that might be a reality. I looked into domestic adoption quite a few times throughout the years. My internet bookmarks were full of adoption listings, agencies, and information. I had written off international adoption as being too expensive. When I found Reece's Rainbow in December 2011, it was the answer I was looking for. I committed in January 2012. I had thought about it for years; I owned a home; I had worked at the same place for years; I had tried living in a foreign country; I had done almost every thing I wanted to do except be a mom. (That's how I tend to do things. I make a decision and act.)
I know that there are a lot of young women out there that want to adopt as soon as they turn 25. I'm going to say something right now that you might now want to hear: WAIT! Live a little first. Yes. You can still have a life with a child but it's not the same. Experience things. Live! You'll be a much better mom if you've traveled and explored and experienced as much as possible. Make sure you've "sown your wild oats" (whatever that looks like for you) so you don't regret your decision later. For me, that meant moving to Mexico. It didn't work out but I'm so glad I did it before I had my child. Now I know!
When you first starting looking at children, did you have certain "qualifications" or "characteristics" you were searching for or did you see Sara and just know she was yours?
For years, I have said that if I had a child with Down syndrome, I would not be sad at all. The older I got, the more I thought that might be a reality. I looked into domestic adoption quite a few times throughout the years. My internet bookmarks were full of adoption listings, agencies, and information. I had written off international adoption as being too expensive. When I found Reece's Rainbow in December 2011, it was the answer I was looking for. I committed in January 2012. I had thought about it for years; I owned a home; I had worked at the same place for years; I had tried living in a foreign country; I had done almost every thing I wanted to do except be a mom. (That's how I tend to do things. I make a decision and act.)
I know that there are a lot of young women out there that want to adopt as soon as they turn 25. I'm going to say something right now that you might now want to hear: WAIT! Live a little first. Yes. You can still have a life with a child but it's not the same. Experience things. Live! You'll be a much better mom if you've traveled and explored and experienced as much as possible. Make sure you've "sown your wild oats" (whatever that looks like for you) so you don't regret your decision later. For me, that meant moving to Mexico. It didn't work out but I'm so glad I did it before I had my child. Now I know!
When you first starting looking at children, did you have certain "qualifications" or "characteristics" you were searching for or did you see Sara and just know she was yours?
I almost feel bad to answer this but I did have some criteria.
*I was looking for a child that was at least 3 so they could be in school at least part time. (I was quite worried about child care.)
*I only looked at girls. (I can teach a girl to be a woman. I don't know how to teach a boy how to be a man.)
*I wanted a child without heart conditions. I knew that I wouldn't have the sick time or the stamina to deal with an open heart surgery on my own after an adoption.
*I speak Spanish so I wanted a child from Latin America. I have traveled and lived in LA so I wasn't worried about the travel and I thought my knowledge of Spanish would make the transition easier for both of us.
I know that some people see pictures and just know that this is their child. It wasn't like that for me. I inquired about another child but she had a family about to commit to her. (I know her family and love them!) RR was just getting ready to post Sara and sent me her info. I read through her file and thought that she sounded like what I was looking for but I wasn't completely convinced based just on her picture. It took me a little while to "fall in love" with her. (Maybe it was because she didn't look like the Latin American child I had pictured in my head?) The more I read about her and got to know about her, the more I loved her and figured out she was perfect for me.
*I was looking for a child that was at least 3 so they could be in school at least part time. (I was quite worried about child care.)
*I only looked at girls. (I can teach a girl to be a woman. I don't know how to teach a boy how to be a man.)
*I wanted a child without heart conditions. I knew that I wouldn't have the sick time or the stamina to deal with an open heart surgery on my own after an adoption.
*I speak Spanish so I wanted a child from Latin America. I have traveled and lived in LA so I wasn't worried about the travel and I thought my knowledge of Spanish would make the transition easier for both of us.
I know that some people see pictures and just know that this is their child. It wasn't like that for me. I inquired about another child but she had a family about to commit to her. (I know her family and love them!) RR was just getting ready to post Sara and sent me her info. I read through her file and thought that she sounded like what I was looking for but I wasn't completely convinced based just on her picture. It took me a little while to "fall in love" with her. (Maybe it was because she didn't look like the Latin American child I had pictured in my head?) The more I read about her and got to know about her, the more I loved her and figured out she was perfect for me.
As a single mom, any advice/tips on not letting the doubts/what ifs take over?
I will definitely say that I thought of all the "what ifs" probably 6 nights a week. I thought about it when I would go to bed at night. As long as I stayed busy, I was ok. When it got quite and dark at night, I really, really doubted myself.
The biggest thing that kept me going was the fact that I had so much support. All of my friends and family were convinced I was doing the right thing. No one ever told me the things that I was thinking in my head.
I still have the occasional day when I wonder if I have ruined my life---usually it's when I'm tired and she's crabby. I wouldn't change a thing. My life completely and utterly changed. That's very different from ruined. I think the biggest encouragement to me is the fact that when I express doubts, I get so many comments from my friends that they feel the same way. Every mom has her own doubts. Every mom has days she wishes she could escape. Those thoughts aren't exclusive to single moms or adoptive moms. Those are mom thoughts.
I don't really have a good answer to this question because I have been very blessed with child care. I have a friend who is a former special education teacher who now stays home with her own sons. She came to my house and OFFERED to watch Sara about a week after I committed to adopt her. We live in the same suburb so the bus picks Sara up at her house for school and everything. It's the perfect situation. I even have another former special ed teacher who lives in the same town and does back-up babysitting when the regular sitter can't.
I know that not everyone has this situation. I would suggest looking into family or friends. I don't know how welcoming day care centers are to children with special needs. There are also respite situations available to families of children with special needs but that won't cover day-to-day care.
I am wondering how people responded to your decision to adopt? How did you deal with the negative comments?
How do you let go of the guilt of knowing your child may never have a father? I wonder if I didn't adopt my yet unknown son would a two parent family come along and adopt him? And then he'd have a daddy. Of course I haven't given up on marriage at all so that's still a possibility. And obviously a mommy is better than an orphanage or mental institution. When you see kids with their dads do you feel a little bit sad for Sara?
(And, if I'm being completely honest, I hated Father's Day this year. We got to celebrate with my dad but it did highlight what Sara doesn't have.)
The biggest thing that kept me going was the fact that I had so much support. All of my friends and family were convinced I was doing the right thing. No one ever told me the things that I was thinking in my head.
I still have the occasional day when I wonder if I have ruined my life---usually it's when I'm tired and she's crabby. I wouldn't change a thing. My life completely and utterly changed. That's very different from ruined. I think the biggest encouragement to me is the fact that when I express doubts, I get so many comments from my friends that they feel the same way. Every mom has her own doubts. Every mom has days she wishes she could escape. Those thoughts aren't exclusive to single moms or adoptive moms. Those are mom thoughts.
A specific question I had during my last home study was about the child care plan. While I have sufficient income for a babysitter, after school program, etc...I was wondering about the logistics of arranging care for a special needs child and how easy/or not this is in reality?
This was definitely one of my biggest concerns going in. I had no idea how to arrange day care for any child. I looked into some day cares around my house a little bit before committing. (Mostly checked out websites and reviews.) The day care issues was one of the reasons that I was only looking into children at least 3 years old. Then I knew they would be in school at least half of the day. I don't really have a good answer to this question because I have been very blessed with child care. I have a friend who is a former special education teacher who now stays home with her own sons. She came to my house and OFFERED to watch Sara about a week after I committed to adopt her. We live in the same suburb so the bus picks Sara up at her house for school and everything. It's the perfect situation. I even have another former special ed teacher who lives in the same town and does back-up babysitting when the regular sitter can't.
I know that not everyone has this situation. I would suggest looking into family or friends. I don't know how welcoming day care centers are to children with special needs. There are also respite situations available to families of children with special needs but that won't cover day-to-day care.
I am wondering how people responded to your decision to adopt? How did you deal with the negative comments?
I started by sharing my idea with other moms who had adopted and other single moms. I wanted to get their perspectives. They all said it was incredibly hard but worth it. I then talked to my closest friends and family. Other than one person, they were all very positive. (That one person seems to have come around now.) I honestly thought they would all say I was crazy and then I would let the idea go. It kind of freaked me out that they didn't think I was crazy. I then went "public." I got one nasty anonymous blog comment and I worked through the other persons's concerns.
I have 3 brothers that are adopted---2 have special needs. I'm a sped teacher. I've worked in Mexico with kids with SN. While I thought I was crazy, everyone else seemed to think it was natural. I would suggest you talk to those closest to you. If they all respond negatively, it might not be the right time for you or you might want to reconsider. If everyone around you is supportive, that might be a sign to move forward.
Did you do a lot of fundraising?
I worked summer school last year which allowed me to earn some extra income and I had some savings. I paid about $10,000 out of my pocket. I fund raised about $10k. I did auctions, give aways, yard sales, different sales, everything. I had a fund raiser going constantly for almost a year. I'm sure people were sick of me but no one ever said they were. I also got about 10K in grants. There is something about my story that compelled people. I don't know if it's the sped teacher thing, the single thing, the adopted brothers with SN, the Spanish thing. Not sure but I ended up receiving some very generous grants. I would greatly encourage you to apply for every one you find.
I worked summer school last year which allowed me to earn some extra income and I had some savings. I paid about $10,000 out of my pocket. I fund raised about $10k. I did auctions, give aways, yard sales, different sales, everything. I had a fund raiser going constantly for almost a year. I'm sure people were sick of me but no one ever said they were. I also got about 10K in grants. There is something about my story that compelled people. I don't know if it's the sped teacher thing, the single thing, the adopted brothers with SN, the Spanish thing. Not sure but I ended up receiving some very generous grants. I would greatly encourage you to apply for every one you find.
How do you let go of the guilt of knowing your child may never have a father? I wonder if I didn't adopt my yet unknown son would a two parent family come along and adopt him? And then he'd have a daddy. Of course I haven't given up on marriage at all so that's still a possibility. And obviously a mommy is better than an orphanage or mental institution. When you see kids with their dads do you feel a little bit sad for Sara?
That's a pretty loaded and personal question. I'll probably just scratch the surface of this one.
Like the questioner, I haven't completely given up on the idea of marriage. I would love for Sara to have an amazing father. I would love for her to grow up in a stable, two-parent family. Isn't that what everyone wants for their child? Unfortunately, we live in a very imperfect world. (If it was perfect, we wouldn't need adoption at all.) A lot of children these days don't grow up in two-parent families. A lot of children grow up with parents that are uninvolved in their lives. I agree that a mom is better than an orphanage but I think it's more than that. Sara may only have one parent but she has one parent that is completely devoted to her. I'd say that's better than two mediocre parents any day! (And, if I'm being completely honest, I hated Father's Day this year. We got to celebrate with my dad but it did highlight what Sara doesn't have.)
Would you or are you considering adopting again?
I would consider adopting again. I definitely have my eye on another little one but I wouldn't start anything until I know Sara is settled. I don't think it would be fair to start another process or bring another one home until she is ready. I know there are a lot more children that need homes but I have committed to care for and raise this one and that needs to be my first priority. Maybe in another year or two....
I know you teach, but what do you do on the days you have to be at school and Sara doesn't (basically what kind of day to day support system do you have)?
I addressed the basic child care issue above. I do have a great support system outside of that as well. Because I teach special education, my friends aren't intimidated by Sara's extra chromosome. I take her almost everywhere with me. When I have to do things like chaperone prom, I have a great network of babysitters.
When did you go back to work?
I took off 11 weeks. I had 7 weeks of paid sick time and then I took 4 weeks of unpaid time. We were in Colombia for 7 1/2 weeks so I didn't have as much time at home as I would have liked. (But we had been together 24/7 during the time in country.) I could have taken an additional week of unpaid times but it made sense to me to go back when Spring Break was over. The timing of the adoption was nice, though. I went back to work for 10 weeks and now I have an 11 week summer break.
I'd like to know how adopting has changed your social life. That might sound shallow, but I'm really thinking in terms of spending time with others as a way to take care of yourself/recharge/take a break, not in terms of partying, per say.
I think that every mother gives up the majority of her free time when she has children. It's probably a little more intense for a single mom but not much. Sara still naps and goes to bed early which gives me a daily "break" of sorts. I have just now gotten to the point that I will leave her for a few hours to go out with friends. (I think I've done it twice!) My friends are so great with her that it isn't really a problem just to take her with. This summer, she is in school for 3 1/2 hours in the morning. I've gotten so much done during that time! It seems odd to not have her with me, though.
In some ways, Sara has increased my social life. I was in a weird social situation before her. I was single but not interested in going out and partying with single 22-25 year olds. Everyone my age is married and/or has kids. I didn't really fit in anywhere. Now, that I officially have a Mom Card, we get invited to do things with other moms and families.
I wonder if being a single adopting parent feels lonely sometimes - you have so much in common with other single parents and so much in common with the adoption community...but your day-to-day experience has so many differences from both groups. It must be so important to have support and community around you.
It does feel lonely some times but I think that parenting is bonding. You just don't get it until you do it. I have the same struggles and battles any mother of a preschooler does Yes, Sara is adopted. Yes, I'm a single mother. Yes, she has a disability. But, those things aren't as important as the fact that I am parenting a 4 year old. I can sit and talk to a mother of a child between 2 and 5 and her kid is doing the same crazy things mine is.
I don't really struggle with loneliness when I'm working. I work with some amazing people that have been a huge support to me. I struggle more when I'm not working. I don't think I would be a very good stay-at-home mom. I think that could be lonelier than the single mom thing.
I would consider adopting again. I definitely have my eye on another little one but I wouldn't start anything until I know Sara is settled. I don't think it would be fair to start another process or bring another one home until she is ready. I know there are a lot more children that need homes but I have committed to care for and raise this one and that needs to be my first priority. Maybe in another year or two....
I know you teach, but what do you do on the days you have to be at school and Sara doesn't (basically what kind of day to day support system do you have)?
I addressed the basic child care issue above. I do have a great support system outside of that as well. Because I teach special education, my friends aren't intimidated by Sara's extra chromosome. I take her almost everywhere with me. When I have to do things like chaperone prom, I have a great network of babysitters.
When did you go back to work?
I took off 11 weeks. I had 7 weeks of paid sick time and then I took 4 weeks of unpaid time. We were in Colombia for 7 1/2 weeks so I didn't have as much time at home as I would have liked. (But we had been together 24/7 during the time in country.) I could have taken an additional week of unpaid times but it made sense to me to go back when Spring Break was over. The timing of the adoption was nice, though. I went back to work for 10 weeks and now I have an 11 week summer break.
I'd like to know how adopting has changed your social life. That might sound shallow, but I'm really thinking in terms of spending time with others as a way to take care of yourself/recharge/take a break, not in terms of partying, per say.
I think that every mother gives up the majority of her free time when she has children. It's probably a little more intense for a single mom but not much. Sara still naps and goes to bed early which gives me a daily "break" of sorts. I have just now gotten to the point that I will leave her for a few hours to go out with friends. (I think I've done it twice!) My friends are so great with her that it isn't really a problem just to take her with. This summer, she is in school for 3 1/2 hours in the morning. I've gotten so much done during that time! It seems odd to not have her with me, though.
In some ways, Sara has increased my social life. I was in a weird social situation before her. I was single but not interested in going out and partying with single 22-25 year olds. Everyone my age is married and/or has kids. I didn't really fit in anywhere. Now, that I officially have a Mom Card, we get invited to do things with other moms and families.
I wonder if being a single adopting parent feels lonely sometimes - you have so much in common with other single parents and so much in common with the adoption community...but your day-to-day experience has so many differences from both groups. It must be so important to have support and community around you.
It does feel lonely some times but I think that parenting is bonding. You just don't get it until you do it. I have the same struggles and battles any mother of a preschooler does Yes, Sara is adopted. Yes, I'm a single mother. Yes, she has a disability. But, those things aren't as important as the fact that I am parenting a 4 year old. I can sit and talk to a mother of a child between 2 and 5 and her kid is doing the same crazy things mine is.
I don't really struggle with loneliness when I'm working. I work with some amazing people that have been a huge support to me. I struggle more when I'm not working. I don't think I would be a very good stay-at-home mom. I think that could be lonelier than the single mom thing.
My worry, as a single mom...where would the child(ren) go when I die.
Another loaded question. And another question that all parents have to think about. I had to name a guardian as part of my homestudy. While I don't have a will, my sister has agreed to take Sara if anything would happen to me. (I know, I know. I need to make it legal.) This decision is a little more stressful for children with special needs. My sister loves Sara but doesn't really know anything about IEPs anything like that but I know she'd learn.
Lots of questions and lots of my personal opinions. Single parenting isn't for everyone. Adoption isn't for everyone. Parenting a child with special needs isn't for everyone. But, it's not impossible. Think about it. If you decide it's not for you, pick another single woman to support and encourage. Find a single mom to help. Being a single woman is hard---whether or not you are a parent. Let's find ways to be there for each other!
Another loaded question. And another question that all parents have to think about. I had to name a guardian as part of my homestudy. While I don't have a will, my sister has agreed to take Sara if anything would happen to me. (I know, I know. I need to make it legal.) This decision is a little more stressful for children with special needs. My sister loves Sara but doesn't really know anything about IEPs anything like that but I know she'd learn.
Lots of questions and lots of my personal opinions. Single parenting isn't for everyone. Adoption isn't for everyone. Parenting a child with special needs isn't for everyone. But, it's not impossible. Think about it. If you decide it's not for you, pick another single woman to support and encourage. Find a single mom to help. Being a single woman is hard---whether or not you are a parent. Let's find ways to be there for each other!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Insights on Turning 35
I'm going to veer off the adoption topic a little bit and let you get some insight into the mind of a single woman in her mid-thirties. I don't claim to speak for every single woman. I'm sure we all feel differently about birthdays and aging and marriage and kids. I also imagine that some of these feelings apply to women who are struggling with infertility as well. Since I haven't been in that situation, I can only assume.
There are lots of blogs by single, Christian woman about their thoughts and feelings about their "situation." I have no intention of turning this blog into another one of those. (Not bashing them. Some are really good and interesting.) I just have no interest in boring anyone with my lame insights and perspectives. I am, however, going to try to get some of my feelings out about my birthday this year. I have lots of thoughts and feelings about it rolling around in my head. Bear with me as I try to articulate them. (Or, skip this post and come back when I'm posting cute pictures of Sara. I'll never know.)
As a single woman, birthdays can hit really hard. Bottom line: there are only so many child-bearing years available and every birthday means you now have one less year. (Let's not beat around the bush. This is what we're thinking.)
I tend to spend at least a part of every birthday doing some math: If I meet someone this year, we could date for 6 months, get engaged and married next summer. If we wait 6 months and then get pregnant, I'll be ____ years old. If I have a kid every two years, I can have _____ kids before I turn 40. (I can't be the only one that does this! Right?) It used to be date for a year, engaged for a year, wait 2 years for a kid, etc. The older I got, the shorter those time frames got and the fewer kids I was "ok" with having. A certain amount of panic sets in.
Some years, I took birthdays much harder than others. I was ok with turning 30 because I was getting ready to move to Mexico. (I thought that was my new life plan.) I had a hard time with 26. My my mom got married at 26. Growing up, I thought that was SOOO old. I couldn't believe I was 26 with no prospects.
Don't get me wrong. I have enjoyed my single years (when I wasn't counting and panicking). I've lived in Mexico, vacationed, traveled, lots of things that aren't feasible to me any more. I bought my own house and made enough money to be able to take summers off. I was comfortable. Still, I wanted to be a mom.
I thought 35 would be hard. It really hasn't been. It definitely snuck up on me. (I've been a little busy for the last three months!) I've spent a very low key day with MY DAUGHTER! She has made all the difference in my life. I have a new perspective on so many things---including my age. I'm not just living day to day and working and looking forward to my next vacation. I'm not waiting for my life to start when I meet some guy that can give me what I want in life.
Would I still like to get married? Yes. Would I like to have more children? Yes. Would I adopt again? Probably. Even if none of those things happen, I get to spend the rest of my life raising my amazing daughter. Right now, that's enough for me! 35 is going to be great!
There are lots of blogs by single, Christian woman about their thoughts and feelings about their "situation." I have no intention of turning this blog into another one of those. (Not bashing them. Some are really good and interesting.) I just have no interest in boring anyone with my lame insights and perspectives. I am, however, going to try to get some of my feelings out about my birthday this year. I have lots of thoughts and feelings about it rolling around in my head. Bear with me as I try to articulate them. (Or, skip this post and come back when I'm posting cute pictures of Sara. I'll never know.)
As a single woman, birthdays can hit really hard. Bottom line: there are only so many child-bearing years available and every birthday means you now have one less year. (Let's not beat around the bush. This is what we're thinking.)
I tend to spend at least a part of every birthday doing some math: If I meet someone this year, we could date for 6 months, get engaged and married next summer. If we wait 6 months and then get pregnant, I'll be ____ years old. If I have a kid every two years, I can have _____ kids before I turn 40. (I can't be the only one that does this! Right?) It used to be date for a year, engaged for a year, wait 2 years for a kid, etc. The older I got, the shorter those time frames got and the fewer kids I was "ok" with having. A certain amount of panic sets in.
Some years, I took birthdays much harder than others. I was ok with turning 30 because I was getting ready to move to Mexico. (I thought that was my new life plan.) I had a hard time with 26. My my mom got married at 26. Growing up, I thought that was SOOO old. I couldn't believe I was 26 with no prospects.
Don't get me wrong. I have enjoyed my single years (when I wasn't counting and panicking). I've lived in Mexico, vacationed, traveled, lots of things that aren't feasible to me any more. I bought my own house and made enough money to be able to take summers off. I was comfortable. Still, I wanted to be a mom.
I thought 35 would be hard. It really hasn't been. It definitely snuck up on me. (I've been a little busy for the last three months!) I've spent a very low key day with MY DAUGHTER! She has made all the difference in my life. I have a new perspective on so many things---including my age. I'm not just living day to day and working and looking forward to my next vacation. I'm not waiting for my life to start when I meet some guy that can give me what I want in life.
Would I still like to get married? Yes. Would I like to have more children? Yes. Would I adopt again? Probably. Even if none of those things happen, I get to spend the rest of my life raising my amazing daughter. Right now, that's enough for me! 35 is going to be great!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Oh, the possibilities....
Here is a message that I sent out to some good friends on facebook last week. Based on the (mostly) encouraging but realistic responses, I'm still pretty excited about the possibility. I have decided not to take any official steps until February 1st. I want to spend the next few weeks praying and seeking wise counsel. I'll keep you all updated on the progress. Who knows, maybe someday this will be my adoption blog. I realize that facebook probably isn’t the most appropriate place for this conversation but I don’t have email addresses for all of you so here it goes…. I am writing to you because I need some advice and opinions. For years now, I have said that I wouldn’t be upset if God decided to “bless” me with a child with Down Syndrome. Since I returned from Mexico, I have been toying with the idea of adopting a child with Down Syndrome. Up until this week, I hadn’t really looked into it seriously or tried to figure out if it was really feasible. It had always just kind of been a dream. After some research, I honestly think it’s something I want to do. I have taken some preliminary steps to get connected with a group called Reese’s Rainbow that helps place children with Down Syndrome with adoptive families and even raises funds to help with their adoptions. I know that a child would rock my world but I’m in a place in my life where I think it would be okay to be rocked. I have a stable job, a support system, a home, lots of experience with children and with disablities---everything a child with Down Syndrome would need to be successful. Sometimes, it seems like the most natural thing in the world; other times the idea overwhelms me and scares me to death. Before I go any further in this process, I want to get advice and opinions from the closest people in my life and from those with experience with adoption and single parenting. I really do want your honest opinions. If you think I’m crazy, please tell me. If you think I can’t handle it, please let me know. I really do want honesty. I appreciate anything you have to say and would covet your prayers as I seek the next step in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)