Moving On

So, I realize that I have not updated in forever.  Months and months.  Please tell me it hasn't been a year...

I really started to struggle with what to tell and what to protect.  I want to portray adoption honestly but I also need to keep my baby's best interest at the forefront of everything I do.  Especially since I stupidly used my name when I started this blog long before adoption was even on my radar.  I just haven't known what to share.  But, I'm going to try to resurrect the blog with a slightly different angle.  At least for now.

I grew up in a small town.  That's really where I'm most comfortable.  After college, I moved to Chicago and then left that for the suburbs about 9 years ago.  In so many ways, I've grown up here.  I am certainly not the scared 22 year old that moved here from small town NY and a corn field in OH.  But the time has come to move on.

In a few short weeks, little Missy and I will be moving here:

Definitely going to be different than where I've been for the last five years:

And nothing like where the munchkin spent the first 4 1/2 years of her life:

It'll be so hard to say goodbye.  My last day at my job is Tuesday.  My job is exhausting on every level possible but I love my students and my co-workers have been my family here for the last 13 years.  I still can't even process what life after E will look like.  

I worry about Little Missy's adjustment.  She has moved so many times in her young life.  She has bonded so well.  (Sometimes it feels like too well.  She stays with no one but my parents.)  I know that long-term this move will be so good for her but she doesn't really understand what the next few months hold.  She loves school and she is so loved there.  We have our Gigi's friends and a great babysitter.  She adores my friends here and they have all been unbelievably accepting of her.  So much change for a little heart that has already lost so much.  

Even though there are probably a hundred reasons to stay, I know there are a million to go.  Many of them being the tears that my daughter sheds when we pull into our driveway after a visit at my parents' house.  She knows that Nana and Grandpa are far away.  And she's not ok with it.  She loves them and their animals and country life in general.  Our reasons for moving:

The next step on Life's Amazing Journey is taking us to the country and my parents' small farm.  I can't wait to update about life in the country and how this little girl thrives with fresh air, animals and lots of space.  

And, who knows, maybe this move will lead to some other big announcements in the future.  Stay tuned....

The Things I Wish I Had Time to Explain....

On more occasions that I can count, I have been given unsolicited parenting advice.

*Sometimes it's very direct.  "You know that your child is way too big to be in a stroller, right?"

*Sometimes it's less direct.  "I just took one of your french fries.  Get over it.  You need to learn to share."  

*Sometimes it's from complete strangers.  "Does she belong to you?  She shouldn't be touching people.  Have you ever told her not to touch people?  Tell her not to touch people."   

*Sometimes it's from friends and family.  "She's not eating any vegetables?  Don't you make her eat vegetables?"

*Sometimes it's from doctors.  "You need to set limits.  This is cute now but won't be later.  Kids with Down syndrome still need boundaries."

I sometimes wish I had time to stop and explain a few things to these well-meaning people.

Here's the thing:  All of those issues are valid.  She shouldn't hit or touch.  She should share.  She should eat vegetables.  She needs limits.  She is taller than the stroller.  These people are well meaning and usually right.

Here's the other thing:  I don't have it all together.  I don't know everything about parenting a 5-year-old with Down syndrome.  I regularly seek advice from others:  other DS moms, friends with behavioral experience, other single moms.  I'm pretty good at managing behavior in the classroom but parenting is so different.

Here's the BIG thing:  My child has issues.  She is not a typical child.  She is not a typical 5-year-old with Down syndrome.  She is a child who spent the first 4 1/2 years of her life in an institutional setting who is still learning English and also has a disability.  She may seem like she's completely adjusted and doing well.  Her transition has been amazing and she is adjusting so well but there are underlying issues the result from the first 4 1/2 years of her life.  They aren't major issues like some kids face.  They are hard to see but they are very real and they make parenting her different.

When you start the adoption process, you are required to do some training and to read some books. I took an online course about adopting an older child.  I remember being shocked that my 3-year-old (at the time) was considered an older child.  I now know why.  My child spent 4 1/2 years of her life in multiple settings.  They were good places but she was never parented and most likely got very little 1:1 attention.  There are some results of that they we will continue to deal with into her future.

These are the things that I wish I could explain to people when they give me unsolicited parenting advice:

*My child has a lot to learn.  
Sara has come so far and learned so much.  I don't think she left the orphanage much so she doesn't have any concept of social norms or appropriate public behavior.  She's matured so much.  I can now run into the gas station or drug store with her for a few things and not have to strap her into a stroller.  She knows (but doesn't always like) that she has to hold my hand in a parking lot or on the street.  There are so many rules and social norms to learn.  I can't teach them all at once.  We work on major issues that come up.  The more minor stuff is going to take her a while to learn.  When she steals fries from a random child in Portillos, I make sure she knows that's not ok.  Some of the other things she does are not ok but not as urgent.

*My child has issues with food.  
No little child likes to share food but Sara's issues go beyond this.  Emotionally, at this point, she can not share food.  If food is placed in front of her, it is hers.  She is willing to share food with me if I divide it before placing it in front of her.  Once it's in front of her, it's off limits.  If her ice cream cones is melting and needs to be licked, that's just too bad.

If you take her french fry, she WILL melt down.  It's not because she doesn't want to share.  She will gladly take two lollipops at the doctors office and give one to me.  She will not, however, let me touch hers.  She even has a hard time handing me things to be opened.  She does not want to let food out of her hands.

I don't know how food was handled in her orphanage.  She wasn't growing much.  Maybe she didn't get quite enough.  Maybe she had to defend her food from other kids.  Maybe she got in trouble for taking other's food.  I'm not sure.  But I do know, that she is very protective of her food.  Someday, I may choose to work on sharing food with her.  Right now, leave her fries alone!

*My child thinks everyone is her friend.  
When a child lives in an orphanage setting, they "know" everyone.  Staff may come and go but everyone there is "safe."  They can talk to anyone they meet and ask everyone for help.  Sara doesn't know that strangers exist.  Yes.  She will touch and hug everyone she meets.  No.  It's not appropriate.  It's something we are working on.

*My child hits.  
I don't think that this is entire the result of orphanage life.  Some of it is due to her limited verbal communication skills and her developmental stage.  This is probably my main focus right now and something she is doing so much better in.  She used to bite when she didn't her way.  She hasn't done that in a long time but she will hit or slap me if she's overwhelmed in a situation or if she doesn't get her way.  This is not acceptable behavior and my reaction to it is consistent based on her reason for hitting.  I think when people see a 5-year-old hitting, they assume the parent has allowed them to hit for 5 years.   Not the case in our situation.

*My child needs to be carried.
Sara has grown 3 inches and gained 9 lbs since January.  She is not the tiny little toddler I met 8 months ago.  Carrying her is getting more difficult every day but I still do it.  I realize that it probably looks ridiculous but I think it's so important for bonding.   I'm sure she wasn't carried much as a young child.  (Developmentally, she still is pretty young.)   Her stamina has greatly improved but she doesn't always want to walk, even when she physically can.  She's learning that she can rely on her mother to meet her physical and emotional needs. So, as long as I can and as long as she needs me to, I will carry her.

*My child is still learning English.
Sara understands a lot of English but she pretends to understand more than she really does.  She will answer yep or no to any question you ask, even if she doesn't know what you said.  It takes years to master a language and speech is definitely Sara's biggest struggle.  Sometimes when she doesn't listen or obey, it's because she just doesn't understand.  She really is a good kid and almost always wants to do the right thing.  I will switch to Spanish if I really want to her to understand something.  She's not being defiant.  She's just confused.

*My child is learning about limits.
Sara is learning all about limits and consistency.  When you are being parented by a staff of people, it's hard for them to be consistent.  When you only have one parent, it becomes much easier.  (Not that I'm as consistent as I would like to be but one person has to be more consistent that 10 or 20.)  Sara is responding well to limits and rules.  There are just so many rules to learn!  She can't be expected to learn them all at once!

*My child is experiencing everything for the first time.  
Pretty much every experience right now is new for Sara.  Birthday parties, parades, picnics, restaurants, parks.  They are all new.  She doesn't know how to act in a situation because she's never been in it.  There are lots of stories of adults doing offensive things in other countries because they didn't know the social norms.  Imagine how many obnoxious situations you could get into in Africa or the Middle East and we're adults that can read social cues!

I've thought about getting a shirt made that says:  "It's only been 6 months.  You should see where we started!  Cut me some slack!"  Maybe I'll just get cards made up with the blog address instead and hand those out.....

Your Questions Answered

I asked on my facebook if people had questions they've been dying to have answered.  I only got a few but they are all pretty good ones:

But have you ever had a moment of panic and been like, what have I done? Can I really do this? Aaaaaah?

Yes.  For sure!  I had a lot of those thoughts during the process.  Usually, as I was falling asleep at night, I'd have those thoughts.  After all, I knew that my life was going to COMPLETELY change.  

The entire trip to Colombia is a blur to me.  I know that every time I took the next step, I had to take deep breaths and make myself relax.  I don't think I even spoke to the friend that took me to the airport.  Each time I boarded a new plane, I had to calm myself down again.  I wondered if I was ruining my life and if it was too late to back out.  

The biggest panic moment was the morning that I was going to meet Sara.  I had a dream the night before that I found out she was HIV positive and it freaked me out. I know that some people are more than willing to adopt a child with HIV.  It's just not something I'm comfortable with.  I honestly thought about backing out that morning.  

I will say, that since I've had Sara with me, I haven't had those thoughts.  I had moments in Colombia where I wondered if I could go home and come back for her when the paperwork was done.  (Moments. I wouldn't have left her there.)  Since we've been home, though, I've had no doubts.  None.  

Single mom becomes parent for the first time and choose special needs adoption...that sounds like Lifetime more than real life...Does it look/feel like you thought it would?  Harder?  Easier? 

I love this question because it never seemed like a "dramatic" choice to me.  I have 2 brothers with special needs and I've been teaching Special Ed for longer than I want to admit here.  I've said for years that if God blessed me with a child with DS, I wouldn't be sad.  I just didn't know at the time that this would be how he would bless me.  A few years ago, I did all kinds of research trying to figure out how to adopt a child with DS domestically.  I got frustrated with dead ends.  Not until I discovered Reece's Rainbow did I start to understand how God will fulfill my desire for a child with DS.  

I would probably say that overall it's easier than I thought I would be.  I teach at a private special education school.  I work with kids whose disabilities are significant enough that they can't be served in the public school.  Because of that, I tend to lose sight of typical development and the fact that all disabilities have a spectrum of ability.  Sara is smart.  She can do things that I've been trying to teach my 20 year old students for years.  She sees something once and she gets it.  She's so much more independent than I thought she would be.  She's so incredibly sweet and loving.  She's more amazing than I ever would have imagined.  

I think the part that is harder than I thought it would be is leaving her.  I hate going to work.  I hate dropping her off at the babysitter.  (She has a couple of GREAT sitters!)  I hate that she goes to school every day and I'm not there to see it.  I've been surprised how much I genuinely miss her when I'm at work.  I'm so glad she loves people and loves school but it breaks my heart a little bit each day when she gives me a kiss and shuts the door at the sitter's house.  I've never been so glad to be a teacher.  Is it summer yet?  

How is she going to learn English?  

She only hears English at the babysitter, church and school.  She's getting speech and ESL services at school.  I still mostly speak Spanish to her but she hears me speak English to others all the time.  I've gone back and forth with whether or not I will try to maintain her Spanish.  I'd like her to be bilingual and keep that part of her heritage but I'm not sure how realistic that is since Speech is her biggest struggle.  

How on target is she developmentally?  

That's a great question and something I'm still wondering myself.  I know that she's developing very well for a little girl who has had very limited services and no parenting.  She is very independent and physically developing very well for a 4 year old with DS.  She has very limited basic knowledge, though.  I'm not sure if anyone ever sat down with her and tried to teach her things like shapes and colors.  

Language is her biggest struggle---both the English piece and just speech in general.  She has about 20 words/phrases in Spanish.  A lot of kids with DS develop speech later than their typical peers so I'm not worried by that number.  I can't wait to see where she is when she learns English and has had some intensive therapy.   She's been talking so much more since she started school.  The problem right now is that it's not in English or Spanish.  I think she's still trying to figure this multiple language thing out.  

She also has some pretty significant vision issues.  I can't help but wonder if she doesn't know things like letters, numbers, colors, and shapes because she just can't see the differences with her vision problems.  I'm hoping her glasses will increase her development drastically!  

So, ask me this question again in a month or two.

Do you feel like she knows who you are?  Obviously she calls you "mama" but do you think she's emotionally attaching to you and is aware that "this person loves me and is going to be here for the rest of my life?"

Good question.  She doesn't actually call me "mama."  M is one of the sounds that she struggles with.  (They are working on it in speech.)   She calls me Papa or Tia.  

I do think she is attaching to me.  She is excited to see me when I pick her up at the sitter or from church.  If she's in a group, she will run and play but comes back and checks in every few minutes.  If she's hurt or upset, I'm the one she seeks out.  

I hope she knows that I love her.   I tell her multiple times a day in both English and Spanish.  Even if she doesn't understand that, I do think she understands I'm a secure place for her.  

I don't think she knows that I will be here for the rest of her life.  I don't know that she grasps that concept.  I am her fifth "placement" in her 4 1/2 years of life.  How could you develop a concept of forever when nothing in your life has lasted more than a year?  

The last question was a Day in Our Lives.  I'll save that one for the next post.

If you have other questions, post them here and I'll answer them in another post.  I really want this blog to be a good resource for other families.  I'm willing to answer the tough questions if it helps another family be prepared for life after adoption.  (I will not, however, entertain mean spirited or hurtful questions.) 

And just for the fun of it---a whole bunch of pictures of Sara sleeping.

Besos

I've been very careful to not ask Sara to hug or kiss me. After all, I'm really just some stranger that picked her up from her home and told her I was her mom.

She's very cuddly and loving. She loves to be held and we cuddle each morning after she first wakes up. (It takes her about an hour to really wake up and face the day.). A few days ago, she started kissing me back if I kissed her. This morning, the first thing she did when she got in my bed was kiss my cheek several times. Such a great moment.

I feel like the bonding is going well when it's just the two of us. I'm not so sure when others are around.

Now I just need to get her call me mom instead of Tia (aunt).

Bonding

This week is known as the bonding period. It is supposed to last 5 to 7 days. Ours is 8. We will have our integration meeting on Tuesday to make sure that all is going well abs everyone thinks we should proceed.

After that our case goes to court. We don't know yet what judge we will get but we are praying that it is a pro-adoption judge who will move quickly. The court process is definitely the longest step and will determine how long we are here. Please pray it goes quickly. I'm already anxious to go home.

After the court process, the rest should go quickly.

Sara continues to adjust well. She's smart and adorable and loving and very spunky. I can't wait to get her home and settled into real life.

Right now we are doing a lot of nothing. We try to kill some time each day. She naps for two hours in the afternoon which is really nice. She sleeps well and loves to eat. I'm convinced she's already starting to understand some English.

It takes her a solid hour to wake up in the morning and after a nap. A solid hour. She has her eyes open but won't sit up or talk. Just stares at you. That's gonna make mornings interesting when school starts.

We've loved skyping with so many of you. She tends to hog the camera. She loves to look at herself. I don't think she realizes she's supposed to be meeting her new friends.

Bonding and Attachment and Stuff

I want to give you all a little "warning" about what life will look like when we get home.  (I know.  I haven't even left yet and I'm already thinking about being home.)  I want to get this written now in case I don't have time in country or good internet or the energy to think it through.  I also want to give those closest to us the chance to process this and ask questions if they want.

Attachment and bonding are a huge concern in adoption--especially with older children.  It's hard to believe that Sara is considered an "older" child but she is.  The first two years of development are crucial.  After that time, adoptions can encounter some additional challenges.

I have no idea how this change is going to affect Sara.  As far as I know and can tell, she has been well cared for.  She has not suffered the neglect and/or abuse that a lot of kids in Eastern Europe have.  Based on the Skype date, it seems that she has staff that care for her and interact with her.  Even with those "advantages," she has not experienced a family or a mother. She doesn't know what that looks like or what her role in a family is.

I have no intention of getting into Sara's history here.  Few people know it and I probably wouldn't share it if you asked me.  I just don't feel like it will benefit her in any way to have everyone know.  I will tell you, though, that she has moved a lot in her short life.  She has had lots of "placements" but no family.  No mother.

Sara is going to have to learn what it is to be in a family.  She needs to learn that her wants and needs will be provided for by her mother.  She has most likely had multiple caregivers in her short life.  They probably change with the shift, with vacations, with new employees, with transfers.  She has probably learned that she can get her needs met by any number of adults or by her own means.  Neither of these theories are healthy for a four year old.  She will have to learn that not all adults are equal in her life.  She needs to learn to trust her mother to meet her physical, emotional, medical, social, and spiritual needs.

In short, we need to bond.  We need time to learn to be a family together.  After all, I will be learning what it means right along with her.

I like the way Colombia's program is set up.  We will be together for at least a month before we return to the US.  We will have some time to start working on our relationship before we "complicate" it with friends and family.

There are a lot of people that will tell you that you need to "cocoon" your family for a long time upon returning to the US.  Like months!  In all honesty, I can't imagine doing that completely.  First, I will have to go back to work at the beginning of April so that just isn't possible.  Secondly, my biggest fear with the travel is loneliness.  I think I'm going to really need all of you when I get back!

At this point, I am planning to do a modified version of cocooning and we'll see how it goes.  Here are some general guidelines that I'm planning to follow after researching and talking to other APs.  (I reserve the right to change the rules at any time depending on Sara's adjustment.)

*Please call, text, message, face time us.  Ask how we are doing.  Invite us to play or eat.  I may say no depending on Sara's mood or mine.  Don't be offended.  It will mean the world that you asked.

*Bring your children over to play.  Sara will be more comfortable here than at your house.  It will be less overwhelming for her.  I want her around other children.  That's what she's used to!  (And she needs to learn some English.)

*Speak to her in English.  I will continue to speak to her in Spanish but you can feel free to talk to her and interact with her as you are comfortable.  Just remind me to speak to you in English when my brain is too tired to switch back and forth on it's own.  

*Don't be surprised if I don't take you up on your offers to babysit right away.  For a while, if Sara can't go, I won't be going.  I don't know how often we'll be at church or small group in the beginning.  Her adjustment is paramount.

*Please don't pick her up, feed her or ask to hug her.  I know that sounds harsh but it's important.  I've never been a huge fan of forcing kids to hug people.  I think it unintentionally erodes important personal boundaries.  If she needs to be picked up and comforted, I will do that.  If she chooses to hug you, that's different.  It's very possible that she will have food issues related to orphanage life.  Please do get down on the floor and talk to her and play with her.  If she needs something, please direct her to me so she learns that her mother meets her needs.

I know that some of you probably think I've completely lost my mind and I'm turning into one of those parents.  I'm really not.  If you want some research and blogs, I can point you in the right direction.  These things might seem either little to you or very extreme but I assure you, they are important.  Sara is about to undergo a HUGE life change and I want it to be as healthy and smooth for her as possible.

Please, if you have questions, leave me a comment or send me a message.  I hope I'm explaining myself well but I'd love to clarify things if I'm not.  Also, fellow adoptive parents, let me know what things I'm missing on my list!

Oh, and please don't think this means you can't welcome us back to the US.  I know you are all dying to meet her.  I will keep local friends updated with flight information and a plan for our return.  Just know that I will be the only one holding and hugging her.  You will all just have to settle for hugging me instead.